Homesick

I dont really have a particular reason to write this blog except for the simple fact that I am in a coffee shop andddd it just seems like the right thing to do on my computer. I feel so cool hahaha!

LIfe is finally slowing down a lil bit. I am getting more sleep and thats helped me keep a handle on things. I am so ready to be done with school its not even funny. I have made up my mind, and now Im ready to start school that is gunna make some money in the end. Im excited.

I really miss my family. Especially now since my dad had his hip replaced. I am ready for the beach and time to spend as a family before school starts and I cant really go home for nine months. It will only be for a few days sadly but I think it will be good. Im flying in early so I can see my grandparents too. I hate that as soon as I start a relationship with my grandparents I move away. I lived in Reno and now Kansas city. Its awkward enough for me now, I do wish I lived closer to my family.

I dont know if its spring time fever or what but I am really missing home lately. Ive been thinking about how much time I could spend seeing my grandparents, spend time with my sister, and just be with my own parents. Im not gunna lie, Ive thought about how I'd really like to move home for a while. As much as there are things about the south that arent great, there is something about it that is just right. Its home to me. Its what Ive grown up with. I think it would be nice to live near my family. I miss home. Dont get me wrong though, I love living in other places but Im tired of being away from my family. I hate that I feel so alone. If I was married, it wouldnt be so hard because I would be with my husband. But being single and doin life, I'd like being with my family. It would be nice to move into a place with my sister and start life in Baton Rouge.

I can now have a relationship with my parents instead of the constant fighting. Yes there are still things that need to be worked on but we can do that now. We can work on life issues if I live closer. Ive thought about this for the past few days and the more I think about it, the more I like the idea. I have a friend who is about to finish hair school as well, we could open a place together or something, who knows? But I love going to LSU football games and there is just something about living in the south. I know there are downsides to living in the south but there are many more meaningful upsides as well.

I have plenty of time to actually think about it. I know Im not goin anywhere for the next year so thing could change but for the first time its an actually thought I've considered. This time last year, there was no way in hell you'd hear me say I'd thought about moving back home. But now, maybe. I think I could do it.

Download of this thing called life

So I haven't blogged in a while and I probably should have to keep me sane. Hence why I'm blogging today which will probably be similar to a blog vomit, lol.

Things going on in my life and keep rolling around in my head- Im ending IHOP, Im starting hair school, Im moving in with my best friend, Im losing hours at work, Im still single, I live in kansas city.

Debrief and break down of all of those statements.

I know that just because Im finishing my schooling at IHOP doesnt mean my music is ending or I wont worship anymore but the chances of me being apart of a worship team, in general not even just IHOP, are very slim just because it never works out. I am kind of sad about that. I love worship and I am going to miss this. Plus the people I have met and the friends I have arent gunna be the same. Especially over the summer, people are leaving and not comin back, and just the fact that Im not gunna be around my friendships are gunna change. I wouldnt say I have super close and tight friendships but at the same time the friends I have at school, I am going to miss.

Starting hair school. Wow. Everyday it hits me more and more. This is going to be a huge life step for me. The fact my hair and make up have to be done before I get school by 8. That in its self is goin to be alot for me. I am looking forward to it because its something new and different but at the same time, I am a lil nervous. This is a new direction in life. I dont know about it so its hard for me to get super excited about it. I really think it will be fun but there is alot I need to learn. Then the whole fact that after I get my license I will be able to make a living. I will be able to support myself... wow. Thats just crazy lol I love that idea but then at the same time deep inside Im slightly freaking out lol

Moving in my with best friend. I cant lie, Im really excited about this. She's really awesome and I love her. Its kinda sad because there are times when we hang out and then she leaves me and I feel kinda lost. She and I are together all the time and yet we never get sick of each other, hahaha the best part is we just make up reasons why we "HAVE" to see each other or hang out, lol. Its pretty great. Plus we will keep each other accountable with healthy eating habits and what not. She's awesome and a great blessing to my life. I really think its gunna be a great move.

Losing hours at work isnt something Im happy about. Im actually really kinda nervous about it. Its hard to get my numbers up at work if I work the last few hours in the day. I will still be able to work on sundays but still Im worried that it just wont be enough. I'm thinking I might start babysitting on the side as well. I could babysit Saturday and Sunday nights.

Okay so this one comes and goes. Right now I do wish I wasnt single. Not that Im not happy with my life. It's just that there are times where I wish I had a guy by my side. I dont really have guy friends around and guys just add another dimension to life, lol. I have been reading a great book and I do enjoy my single time and Im not waiting for someone before I start my life. I am making the most of the time of my life now. There are just times I wish I had a guy in my life to share things with.

Living in Kansas City isnt bad. I like it for the most part, its just hard sometimes being away from family and friends. Its times like today where I really wish I could be with my family and enjoy the holidays together. I cant not think about how my grandparents are older and Im missing time with them. For years I didnt have a choice and we missed out on years of holidays together but now that I actually could see them I cant because I live too far away to just drive and see them for the day. Im not gunna lie, I really hate that. I almost get angry at the fact that the one thing I held so dearly and to my heart I had taken away, family.

So there you have it. My life in a nutshell-ish. OH WAIT for funzies... I think its hilarious that the one place I wouldnt expect to get blocked on facebook or have people who dont actually like me would be at IHOP. You would think that cause its a huge church place and Jesus is here that people would be different, but nope. I know of two people who have blocked me on facebook and avoid me like the plague. I find it unbelievely funny. I mean really, really? I came from a super small town with one high school and no matter what went down you always keep your friends close and your eniemies closer. I had never heard of anyone actually blockin people on facebook before I came here and the fact that I would get blocked of all people. I mean SERIOUSLY?! Im not trying to boast about myself whatsoever but I am like the #1 person who tries to keep unity and keep everyone happy, even if I cant stand you, I will be nice to you. I wont attack you, unless you attack first. I dont start fights, BUT just for the record I will fight back if you start it, lol.

Anyways, thats my life and now you are all caught up. And by you are all caught up, Im really talking to myself for when I go back and read this in a few months, lol. I realize no one really reads my blog ahahaha, but if you are one of the ones that do, I thank you and I hope you enjoy my life drama, lol.

Happy Easter! :)

Lean with it, rock with it.

Wow... Talk about a week of major ups and downs. I had some of my highest highs and my lowest lows. But oddly over all I really had a great week. God blessed me so much. I really learned the meaning of leaning on my beloved. I really had to humble myself before God and others but through that I was blessed.

God has shown me once again that He is always there. No matter what I am going through he is there for me. He puts just the right people in my life at just the right time even though we don't think the timing is "right". It's still hard at times but I know that I am not alone. I maybe be lonely but I'm not alone.

Although God has blessed my heart I am still dealing with a few things here and there. But the good news is that I have a better out look and support now. I'm still leaning on my beloved and my graze in on Him at all times. God will be my strength and my ever present help.

I've learned how to let go of things this week and hold on to the things that really matter and the things that I need to hold on too. I also need to learn how to say no, lol. I am gettin better but I could still say it more. Although I am standing firm in some things, like not giving the people who arent the most uplifting all my time. I have realized that the people I surround myself with makes a big difference. I, sadly, am that person that picks up on other people and begin to do that same things. So if im not careful I can end up down the drain quick.

New goal this week: recognize who I spend time with and make sure it is worth my time. Also realize its okay to say no.

Focus

Well after a long weekend (and still a long day of work ahead of me) I've realized that I need to refocus on God. Last night I talked to a friend of mine and through talking to him about what he was struggling with I got freedom. I was so shocked! I've been struggling with really letting go of everything and just breathe and focus on Him. I haven't been able to do that in a few months now.

It was crazy. I talked to him and then went to worship and I had a clear mind, a clear heart, and joy deep within. The very thing I had been wrestling with I shared with someone and God gave me freedom. I realized that after I shared with him I needed to practice what I preach. I talked to him and encouraged him to keep his focus on God and I was failing to do so myself even though I have tried so many times. As soon as I shut my eyes and began to focus, I could almost feel the chains break.

It was an amazing feeling. The feeling of the peace of God on me again was so enjoyable. Ya know how people say you don't know what you have til its gone, well the peace of God was like that for me. I had lost the peace a while back and I had no idea what I was missing until I felt it again. Sigh of relief to be back in my Fathers loving arms.

This week has been crazy for me. God has brought this guy I CAN NOT stand into my life and I am learning how to love people on a deeper level. At the beginning of the week I began to feel like this week might be interesting, spiritually and after what happened last night I think it was just God preparing me. I needed to prepared my heart to receive from Him. I needed to allow Him to come in with His peace. God also has been reminding me gentle to not give my all to everyone else. I need to keep some things for me and Him. Not that I dont wanna be open with my friends but at the same time, not everyone get the immediate right to know everything about me. Its part of having healthy boundaries. I tend to give more than I should because thats my personality. Giving isn't bad but its when you give so much of yourself that you dont have any for yourself. God has blessed me with this giving personality and in that I also have a responsibility to steward my giving ability well.

So I have this amazing teacher Ron Downing. This week he was talking about how most people who don't have a focused life have midlife crises because they just wake up one day and realize they should reevaluate their life. But if you live a focused life you have a weekly midlife crises. I think its safe to say I've had my weekly life crises. It's good to reevaluate life. That way you can see the change that God is doing and you can also see the growth you are making. So thus begins my new refocused life. God. Keep Him number one, at all times. :)

Just a lil bit annoying

Why are the things that never used to bother me starting to bother me now? 

I feel like I was really sociable for the first few weeks of school and I had fun but now. I want my alone time back. I dont wanna share everything that is going on in my life with all of my roommates and I only want my close friends around me. At times I like being loud and makin a "scene" but deep down I'd rather just be fun with my friends in my room or just us. 

I spent all weekednd with my close friend and I loved hanging out with her. I didnt get aggervated or annoyed with her. Then when I came home, all my roommates wanted to know bout my weekend and I didnt really wanna talk to them bout it. Plus the fact that my roommates are "worried" bout me because im not as "fiery" as I used to be. What does that mean?? How do you know I'm not as fiery as I used to be? First of all the fact I was fiery in the first place was rare. I just get annoyed cause people who don't know me are trying to impose their life styles on me. 

I live my life, you live yours. I personally don't feel like their is one way to life a holy life before God. There are different parts of the body. They look different and they have different roles. Your walk with God may look different from mine but that doesn't mean we both aren't striving after the same thing. 

I dont know, maybe I just need my alone time to relax some and then I can appreciate people and friends again.  

I GOT A JOB!

WhAAATT!? Yes indeed! It is true! Holly Howard is now employed. I work at GNC. Ohhh yeaahhh! lol

I think its funny how I never really every thought it would be hard to get a job until I actually had to look for one. Growing up in a small town where you basically get hired because you know someone who works there really spoiled me. The real world is nothing like that! Especially when I go from the small town life to big city with the highest unemployment rate in America. Talk about harsh. Being rejected time after time was not easy. PLUS! I hateeee that everyone does online application. What the heck man?! come on now! 75% of being hired is based on your appearance. I dont particularly look great on paper but give me a chance in person and I can do pretty good.

Im pretty pumped that I got a job, the only thing is that I do have certain goals I have to meet. Kinddaaa sucks cause I dont think Im the best at selling the stuff but Im sure over time I will get the hang of things. Im kinda excited bout the commission too. Im not quite sure how that works exactly butttt either way im excited bout it. Yay for money again! :)

I like it

ahahahah! Alright so I'm in the prayer room this morning and then a thought hit me. "I like it here. I like reading the bible and I really like singing the word." WHAT?! Where did this come from?! hahaha!

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I didn't like it before but now I kinda actually enjoy it. It just surprised me. I thought I would never get to this point where I actually don't really wanna leave the pray room, or do other stuff. All I kinda wanna do it just be around and in my Father's presence. Oh God, how you are full of surprises.

Like I said before, I think I am starting to miss this. It kinda sucks that as soon as I get settled in something, life changes again. I am starting to enjoy my time at IHOP. Yes, it is kinda annoying sometimes but overall I like it. I enjoy being in the prayer room. Its refreshing to me and my soul.

I just like this feelin and I dont wanna lose it. Yes I know that the pray room isnt the only place I can be with my Father and what not but still it does make a difference. I do seek after my Father's face outside of the prayer room but idk, Im just afraid that things are gunna change after Im done with school. Maybe not, maybe it's all in my head. I am just trying to enjoy the stability of my life right now.