Homesick

I dont really have a particular reason to write this blog except for the simple fact that I am in a coffee shop andddd it just seems like the right thing to do on my computer. I feel so cool hahaha!

LIfe is finally slowing down a lil bit. I am getting more sleep and thats helped me keep a handle on things. I am so ready to be done with school its not even funny. I have made up my mind, and now Im ready to start school that is gunna make some money in the end. Im excited.

I really miss my family. Especially now since my dad had his hip replaced. I am ready for the beach and time to spend as a family before school starts and I cant really go home for nine months. It will only be for a few days sadly but I think it will be good. Im flying in early so I can see my grandparents too. I hate that as soon as I start a relationship with my grandparents I move away. I lived in Reno and now Kansas city. Its awkward enough for me now, I do wish I lived closer to my family.

I dont know if its spring time fever or what but I am really missing home lately. Ive been thinking about how much time I could spend seeing my grandparents, spend time with my sister, and just be with my own parents. Im not gunna lie, Ive thought about how I'd really like to move home for a while. As much as there are things about the south that arent great, there is something about it that is just right. Its home to me. Its what Ive grown up with. I think it would be nice to live near my family. I miss home. Dont get me wrong though, I love living in other places but Im tired of being away from my family. I hate that I feel so alone. If I was married, it wouldnt be so hard because I would be with my husband. But being single and doin life, I'd like being with my family. It would be nice to move into a place with my sister and start life in Baton Rouge.

I can now have a relationship with my parents instead of the constant fighting. Yes there are still things that need to be worked on but we can do that now. We can work on life issues if I live closer. Ive thought about this for the past few days and the more I think about it, the more I like the idea. I have a friend who is about to finish hair school as well, we could open a place together or something, who knows? But I love going to LSU football games and there is just something about living in the south. I know there are downsides to living in the south but there are many more meaningful upsides as well.

I have plenty of time to actually think about it. I know Im not goin anywhere for the next year so thing could change but for the first time its an actually thought I've considered. This time last year, there was no way in hell you'd hear me say I'd thought about moving back home. But now, maybe. I think I could do it.

Download of this thing called life

So I haven't blogged in a while and I probably should have to keep me sane. Hence why I'm blogging today which will probably be similar to a blog vomit, lol.

Things going on in my life and keep rolling around in my head- Im ending IHOP, Im starting hair school, Im moving in with my best friend, Im losing hours at work, Im still single, I live in kansas city.

Debrief and break down of all of those statements.

I know that just because Im finishing my schooling at IHOP doesnt mean my music is ending or I wont worship anymore but the chances of me being apart of a worship team, in general not even just IHOP, are very slim just because it never works out. I am kind of sad about that. I love worship and I am going to miss this. Plus the people I have met and the friends I have arent gunna be the same. Especially over the summer, people are leaving and not comin back, and just the fact that Im not gunna be around my friendships are gunna change. I wouldnt say I have super close and tight friendships but at the same time the friends I have at school, I am going to miss.

Starting hair school. Wow. Everyday it hits me more and more. This is going to be a huge life step for me. The fact my hair and make up have to be done before I get school by 8. That in its self is goin to be alot for me. I am looking forward to it because its something new and different but at the same time, I am a lil nervous. This is a new direction in life. I dont know about it so its hard for me to get super excited about it. I really think it will be fun but there is alot I need to learn. Then the whole fact that after I get my license I will be able to make a living. I will be able to support myself... wow. Thats just crazy lol I love that idea but then at the same time deep inside Im slightly freaking out lol

Moving in my with best friend. I cant lie, Im really excited about this. She's really awesome and I love her. Its kinda sad because there are times when we hang out and then she leaves me and I feel kinda lost. She and I are together all the time and yet we never get sick of each other, hahaha the best part is we just make up reasons why we "HAVE" to see each other or hang out, lol. Its pretty great. Plus we will keep each other accountable with healthy eating habits and what not. She's awesome and a great blessing to my life. I really think its gunna be a great move.

Losing hours at work isnt something Im happy about. Im actually really kinda nervous about it. Its hard to get my numbers up at work if I work the last few hours in the day. I will still be able to work on sundays but still Im worried that it just wont be enough. I'm thinking I might start babysitting on the side as well. I could babysit Saturday and Sunday nights.

Okay so this one comes and goes. Right now I do wish I wasnt single. Not that Im not happy with my life. It's just that there are times where I wish I had a guy by my side. I dont really have guy friends around and guys just add another dimension to life, lol. I have been reading a great book and I do enjoy my single time and Im not waiting for someone before I start my life. I am making the most of the time of my life now. There are just times I wish I had a guy in my life to share things with.

Living in Kansas City isnt bad. I like it for the most part, its just hard sometimes being away from family and friends. Its times like today where I really wish I could be with my family and enjoy the holidays together. I cant not think about how my grandparents are older and Im missing time with them. For years I didnt have a choice and we missed out on years of holidays together but now that I actually could see them I cant because I live too far away to just drive and see them for the day. Im not gunna lie, I really hate that. I almost get angry at the fact that the one thing I held so dearly and to my heart I had taken away, family.

So there you have it. My life in a nutshell-ish. OH WAIT for funzies... I think its hilarious that the one place I wouldnt expect to get blocked on facebook or have people who dont actually like me would be at IHOP. You would think that cause its a huge church place and Jesus is here that people would be different, but nope. I know of two people who have blocked me on facebook and avoid me like the plague. I find it unbelievely funny. I mean really, really? I came from a super small town with one high school and no matter what went down you always keep your friends close and your eniemies closer. I had never heard of anyone actually blockin people on facebook before I came here and the fact that I would get blocked of all people. I mean SERIOUSLY?! Im not trying to boast about myself whatsoever but I am like the #1 person who tries to keep unity and keep everyone happy, even if I cant stand you, I will be nice to you. I wont attack you, unless you attack first. I dont start fights, BUT just for the record I will fight back if you start it, lol.

Anyways, thats my life and now you are all caught up. And by you are all caught up, Im really talking to myself for when I go back and read this in a few months, lol. I realize no one really reads my blog ahahaha, but if you are one of the ones that do, I thank you and I hope you enjoy my life drama, lol.

Happy Easter! :)

Lean with it, rock with it.

Wow... Talk about a week of major ups and downs. I had some of my highest highs and my lowest lows. But oddly over all I really had a great week. God blessed me so much. I really learned the meaning of leaning on my beloved. I really had to humble myself before God and others but through that I was blessed.

God has shown me once again that He is always there. No matter what I am going through he is there for me. He puts just the right people in my life at just the right time even though we don't think the timing is "right". It's still hard at times but I know that I am not alone. I maybe be lonely but I'm not alone.

Although God has blessed my heart I am still dealing with a few things here and there. But the good news is that I have a better out look and support now. I'm still leaning on my beloved and my graze in on Him at all times. God will be my strength and my ever present help.

I've learned how to let go of things this week and hold on to the things that really matter and the things that I need to hold on too. I also need to learn how to say no, lol. I am gettin better but I could still say it more. Although I am standing firm in some things, like not giving the people who arent the most uplifting all my time. I have realized that the people I surround myself with makes a big difference. I, sadly, am that person that picks up on other people and begin to do that same things. So if im not careful I can end up down the drain quick.

New goal this week: recognize who I spend time with and make sure it is worth my time. Also realize its okay to say no.

Focus

Well after a long weekend (and still a long day of work ahead of me) I've realized that I need to refocus on God. Last night I talked to a friend of mine and through talking to him about what he was struggling with I got freedom. I was so shocked! I've been struggling with really letting go of everything and just breathe and focus on Him. I haven't been able to do that in a few months now.

It was crazy. I talked to him and then went to worship and I had a clear mind, a clear heart, and joy deep within. The very thing I had been wrestling with I shared with someone and God gave me freedom. I realized that after I shared with him I needed to practice what I preach. I talked to him and encouraged him to keep his focus on God and I was failing to do so myself even though I have tried so many times. As soon as I shut my eyes and began to focus, I could almost feel the chains break.

It was an amazing feeling. The feeling of the peace of God on me again was so enjoyable. Ya know how people say you don't know what you have til its gone, well the peace of God was like that for me. I had lost the peace a while back and I had no idea what I was missing until I felt it again. Sigh of relief to be back in my Fathers loving arms.

This week has been crazy for me. God has brought this guy I CAN NOT stand into my life and I am learning how to love people on a deeper level. At the beginning of the week I began to feel like this week might be interesting, spiritually and after what happened last night I think it was just God preparing me. I needed to prepared my heart to receive from Him. I needed to allow Him to come in with His peace. God also has been reminding me gentle to not give my all to everyone else. I need to keep some things for me and Him. Not that I dont wanna be open with my friends but at the same time, not everyone get the immediate right to know everything about me. Its part of having healthy boundaries. I tend to give more than I should because thats my personality. Giving isn't bad but its when you give so much of yourself that you dont have any for yourself. God has blessed me with this giving personality and in that I also have a responsibility to steward my giving ability well.

So I have this amazing teacher Ron Downing. This week he was talking about how most people who don't have a focused life have midlife crises because they just wake up one day and realize they should reevaluate their life. But if you live a focused life you have a weekly midlife crises. I think its safe to say I've had my weekly life crises. It's good to reevaluate life. That way you can see the change that God is doing and you can also see the growth you are making. So thus begins my new refocused life. God. Keep Him number one, at all times. :)

Just a lil bit annoying

Why are the things that never used to bother me starting to bother me now? 

I feel like I was really sociable for the first few weeks of school and I had fun but now. I want my alone time back. I dont wanna share everything that is going on in my life with all of my roommates and I only want my close friends around me. At times I like being loud and makin a "scene" but deep down I'd rather just be fun with my friends in my room or just us. 

I spent all weekednd with my close friend and I loved hanging out with her. I didnt get aggervated or annoyed with her. Then when I came home, all my roommates wanted to know bout my weekend and I didnt really wanna talk to them bout it. Plus the fact that my roommates are "worried" bout me because im not as "fiery" as I used to be. What does that mean?? How do you know I'm not as fiery as I used to be? First of all the fact I was fiery in the first place was rare. I just get annoyed cause people who don't know me are trying to impose their life styles on me. 

I live my life, you live yours. I personally don't feel like their is one way to life a holy life before God. There are different parts of the body. They look different and they have different roles. Your walk with God may look different from mine but that doesn't mean we both aren't striving after the same thing. 

I dont know, maybe I just need my alone time to relax some and then I can appreciate people and friends again.  

I GOT A JOB!

WhAAATT!? Yes indeed! It is true! Holly Howard is now employed. I work at GNC. Ohhh yeaahhh! lol

I think its funny how I never really every thought it would be hard to get a job until I actually had to look for one. Growing up in a small town where you basically get hired because you know someone who works there really spoiled me. The real world is nothing like that! Especially when I go from the small town life to big city with the highest unemployment rate in America. Talk about harsh. Being rejected time after time was not easy. PLUS! I hateeee that everyone does online application. What the heck man?! come on now! 75% of being hired is based on your appearance. I dont particularly look great on paper but give me a chance in person and I can do pretty good.

Im pretty pumped that I got a job, the only thing is that I do have certain goals I have to meet. Kinddaaa sucks cause I dont think Im the best at selling the stuff but Im sure over time I will get the hang of things. Im kinda excited bout the commission too. Im not quite sure how that works exactly butttt either way im excited bout it. Yay for money again! :)

I like it

ahahahah! Alright so I'm in the prayer room this morning and then a thought hit me. "I like it here. I like reading the bible and I really like singing the word." WHAT?! Where did this come from?! hahaha!

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I didn't like it before but now I kinda actually enjoy it. It just surprised me. I thought I would never get to this point where I actually don't really wanna leave the pray room, or do other stuff. All I kinda wanna do it just be around and in my Father's presence. Oh God, how you are full of surprises.

Like I said before, I think I am starting to miss this. It kinda sucks that as soon as I get settled in something, life changes again. I am starting to enjoy my time at IHOP. Yes, it is kinda annoying sometimes but overall I like it. I enjoy being in the prayer room. Its refreshing to me and my soul.

I just like this feelin and I dont wanna lose it. Yes I know that the pray room isnt the only place I can be with my Father and what not but still it does make a difference. I do seek after my Father's face outside of the prayer room but idk, Im just afraid that things are gunna change after Im done with school. Maybe not, maybe it's all in my head. I am just trying to enjoy the stability of my life right now.

My desires

Yesterday in class we talked about how do we know if we are following God's will for our lives. It was such an awesome discussion! Basically it boils down to if you are pursuing God with your whole heart then make decisions and He will close doors if that isnt His will. Don't stress about makin the right decision. God will put desires in your heart while you draw closer to him. So you're dreams are really His dreams for you. Why not go after them? He put them there and has already made a way for you to walk in the dreams for you. Another really cool thing is that your desires will change as you grow in more of who He is.

So even though I know that He will give you His desires as you draw closer to His heart, I still get stuck on a few things. I dont know if I've talked about this or not but I'm stuck on my desires when it comes to guys. I dont know why I am so stuck on this but it seriously has bothered me for a lonnngggg time. I dont even know when it started but I know that for atleast a consistent 6 months this has been constantly in the back of my mind.

I am surrounded by tons of different types of guys. Guys who LOVE God and do nothing but fast and pray and always seek God before they speak on just about everything. It's safe to say they take their relationship with Christ SUPER serious. Like no outside influences what so ever. Anddd then on the other hand we have guys who are more relaxed. Yes they love God and they pray and what not but they also have fun. They arent so strict on certain things. It's such a dilemma for me.

Of course every woman of God should want the guy who's on fire and lives 100% pure life... right? UGH! But i cant say thats what I want. I dont know if I still have prioroties to get straight or what, but why is it that when my roommates talk about their "boys" they always brag about how awesome he is about praying and speaking into others lives. ughhh.. What is wrong with me? Why is it that I just want a guy that I know loves God with all his heart and like to have fun?

It makes it hard to talk about guys with them because they are telling me I deserve better and all this stuff and yes I get that but at the same time I dont have that desire to have the guy that is "super saved" so to speak. I always feel like I'm less of a christian because I dont desire that kind of guy. I dont know why. Maybe deep down it scares me to have someone like that because I feel like they would turn out to be like my dad and that brings up all kinds of other stuff. I dont know.

Maybe this is God just tellin me to chill out and not look at guys, ugh I dont know. Im just trying to process this thought but every time I do, I never feel like I make progress. I just dont wanna think about it but at the same time I cant help but think about it. Its very annoying. I kinda wish I could just married and be done with all this "boy drama" I really hate it.

Long term

It kinda hit me a lil bit today when I told a friend of mine that this was probably going to be my last semester at IHOP. I was talking to him in a complaining way about how I probably wont get to sing that much because of the large amount of singers on my team.

Later I was like, dang. I am going to miss this place. Yes its hard but at the same time, I enjoy being around other believers. For once in my life I can say I enjoy going to school and not having to worry about a ton of drama. I mean thats not to say IHOP doesn't have drama cause it does but I am not involved.

I know that just because Im not in IHOP doesn't mean that I wont be able to be with my friends and stuff, it's just going to be different. I don't wanna get caught up in the fact that its my last semester. I just want to get as much as I can out of what I have now. Who knows? Maybe I will stay longer or do classes or something. If I've learned anything about life, it's that God has a plan for my life and it doesn't really matter what I "plan" for my life. If it isn't His plan it wont work out.

I dont know. I just want to make sure that I take full advantage of what I have this semester. I don't want to miss out on anything. This is a special time in my life and I am blessed that I could even be apart of something like this. IHOP has definitely change things about me. Interestingly enough just being in the prayer room has done things. It's almost like this place is addicting. It's weird lol but yet I love it.

Faithfullness

This past week was the first week of school. I got to meet my worship team. I was really excited because I havent sung in so long and I was excited to be singing three times a week. Well wouldn't ya know my worship team has like ten singers. So to give everyone a chance we are going to be on a rotation. I was fine with it at first but it still kinda stung. The fact that this is probably my last semester here I want to get the most out of time with my team and now I wont get to sing as much as I was hopin for.

Wednesday was the first day we did stuff on our worship team and I sat out. It was really hard for me, not gunna lie. I was fighting the feelings of rejection, not being good enough, and so many others. It wasnt easy but I knew that God had a reason and I was still waiting on His timing, lol.

We had a roommate get together that night and to be honest, I really wanted to skip out and go with my friend to Hope City (innercity prayer room). All day I was really wishing things would go by quickly and I would be able to leave early or something so I could do both. Obviously God had better plans. We had a small worship time and then we shared on how we were struggling with different stuff and I shared how I felt about my worship team and stuff. One of my roommates got the idea that we sing about God's faithfulness in our lives. Sing about the remembrance of what He has done. It was awesome! It was just what I needed for sure. I needed to look back and remember what He has done for me.

Ever since then it's like every day there is something that is said, sung, or something I read that reminds me about remembering what He has done. It has surprising changed my attitude about things this week. It has been awesome.

I just thought it was really awesome how God has been reminding me of His faithfulness. Sometimes looking back to see where you've been isn't bad. It helps you put things into perspective.

Oh ps. I got to sing on Friday and I was one of the first three singers, meaning I was singing alot, and some solo stuff. Super fun :)

Clothes

So I am still thinking and dwelling on this thought but i thought it was interesting. So I've had the verse about how a woman is worth far more than rubies. (I think mostly because of the fact that my birthstone is a ruby) So the verse is in Proverbs, it is actually at the beginning of the passage about how a noble woman.

As I read the passage about a noble woman and the different characteristics about her. I thought back to the passage about the armor of God. I thought about how it too talked about how to be clothed in things. I just thought  it was interesting about how the word talked about being clothed. I think it's interesting that that was the way it choose to describe how to process those characteristics.

Im not really sure exactly how that all plays together but I just thought it was interesting and I think this might be my focus for a lil while... Makes me think bout my clothes, lol.

Back at it

Well school starts on Monday. AHH! I can't believe its time to start back at school. I am really looking forward to it. I am really excited about singing again and being apart of a team. I've really missed that. It's gunna be so different but it's gunna be good.

So my roommates got back this weekend and it's been awesome. I liked living alone but I love living with my roommates. They are awesome. It's so funny cause as soon as I saw one of my roommates we ended up talking for hours. We were like oh yeah we are gunna wait and catch up later with the other roommates so we dont have to repeat anything buttttt we just couldnt help it we just spilled out what God was speaking to us and doin in us. It was one of the best conversations I'd had in a while. I am truly blessed by having her as a roommate.

I have been hanging out with my friends again and I have to say God has really blessed me with some awesome ones. I've gotten to know my girl friend so much more since I've gotten back and talk through things. She really is an awesome person and like me with all my closest friendships, I'd do anything for her. My super awesome guy friend and I have hung out more than I would have expected but it's been so fun. He's really funny and I always have a great time with him. I'd say I am very lucky to be considered friends with them.

I really need to blog more. I miss it. I KNOW I say it all the time after I haven't blogged lol BUT once school starts I will get into a routine of blogging again.

Okay so my friend is on this huge kick on the personality test and it kinda cracks me up. I think its awesome cause it really does kinda describe a person but at the same time once I read it thats all I end up thinking about. Its very interesting.

New Year, New Challenges

Wow. Okay so I cant believe that it's been a whole month since I've blogged last. (No wonder I've had so many thoughts rollin around in my head)

So welcome to 2012. I've made it through another year, and have changed so much. Looking back at 2011, its hard to believe everything I've done and accomplished. I am very proud of myself. For once in my life I can say I am proud of who I am. That only took 21 years, lol.

The other day my dad read something to my mom and I. At first I was like "yay...another pointless article..." But then now a few days later some of the stuff he's said has still got me thinking about the new year. Most of the time I just think about the new year and dread everything that comes with it and then by the end of the year I wish I had done more or actually made a difference in the year. Looking back on 2011, I can say that I did make some changes and I can really say that I am changing into the person I've always wanted to be but was too afraid to be.

I hate new years resolutions. Probably because I always fail at them. I like to think of them as a new challenge to my life. I think in the last year I overcame alot with not allowing how people are going to react to certain things determining whether or not to do something. For instance not being held responsible for other peoples actions. Ever since I've learned how to apply that to my life I've had so much freedom. It's still hard sometimes when I know that it's gunna be about conflict but that in its self gives me even more of an incentive to confront the conflict.

If I've learned anything in the last year its that conflict is painful but brings about so much more of a relationship when you actually deal with it. I've grown up with a family that never really talks about their conflicts and just runs away instead of actually working them out. Over the holidays I got to talk with my parents about some things that had come up over Thanksgiving. I had been praying about this conversation for weeks. I knew if I didnt go into the conversation prepared it would be a disaster. Praise Jesus, after 3 hours, I had expressed my feelings and how things were. I laid everything out and I brought up and said somethings that they would never say. I took control and stayed on top. At the end of the conversation, all of us felt better and we had a great rest of the holidays. I am proud of myself but not in a boastful way but in a way that is glorifying to God. Without Him that conversation would not had gone down the way it did.

My new addition to confronting conflict is, "is the relationship worth it?" and "Am I avoiding the conflict because I'm lazy and just dont wanna deal with it?" I want to break the habit of just sweeping things under the rug and not dealing with issues and then I ruin good relationships because I was "too scared" of the outcome. When I think about it, I am doing myself a disservice along with the person I have the conflict with because I am not allowing growth in either of our lives. I don't want there to be relationships lost over a small conflict that if I would have spoken up about wold have been resolved and I could have had the best relationship ever.

On a different note about life. I've decided I am going to cosmetology school. I dont think the reality of life has hit me yet. It's weird to think that in about a year and half I could be supporting myself... That's crazy...

I am wrecked

So a few weeks ago God really hit me with some awesome stuff and actually spoke to me through the word for the first time. It was pretty much super awesome and I was jacked up on what he said for a while. Anyways, well today in class God just reminded me about what He spoke to me about a few weeks ago.

Eph 6:10-20

The armor of God. I had forgotten about the armor that God has called us to put on. I always said I wanted to be a warrior for Jesus but I never could succeed or make progress because I never had the protection of God. I never prepared myself. I always fell to the accusations the enemy would come against me with. Then it hit me, I need to put on the armor of God and then I can fight.

We always get stuck on feelin pity on ourselves. We always get stuck and then keep asking God to save us from ourselves, when really we just need to actually stand up and fight. God has given us the tools we need to fight, now we need to walk in that and do it.

I hate when I am being attacked and all I do is ask for help without actually doing anything about it. God just began to burn it on my heart that I need to stand up. I need to prepare myself for the battle. I need to take action. I have power and I need to walk in it to have victory. I am done feeling sorry for myself and not fighting for myself.

Today God gave me another flame to stir the fire again. My heart is not okay with sitting idly by allowing the enemy to attack me. No longer, every morning I make the decision to protect myself against the attacks. I put on the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit. I put on the belt of truth with the breastplate of righteousness. (One of my favorite parts) AND fit your feet with the gospel of peace. So meaning even though you are "fighting" you are still rooted in peace from God.

My daily prayer is also that of Paul's "I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel...I am an ambassador...Pray that I may declare it fearlessly as I should"

Growth

So after two and a half years of really going hard core after God I can really begin to see a change in my life. Not that I haven't seen a change before today but I was just reflecting on the fact of how much I have changed. Yes I know there are some areas that don't seem like much growth but to me they are huge steps. (Im bout to get kinda personal...and tell a lil about my past...)

So I have had a past with quite a few guys and I used to kinda be proud of it. I used to "brag" about how many guys I'd fooled around with and I thought it was cool. (How is that cool?! You just look like a SLUT! ahaha, gahhh so dumb!) So anyways, I've recently decided that I am sick of the way I just let guys treat me or how I change just because of a guy. That's not me. I have changed in my heart but I haven't actaully done anything about it to show it outwardly. Well after mannnyyyyy long hours of debating whether or not I want to really take a stand on this I have decided that if I don't I am just leaving a door open to allow the enemy to attack me. I am serious, I am no longer playing the games everyone plays. I have played the games and I know how to play them well but it's not fun because I end up gettin attached or he gets attached more than we planned and I or he will get hurt. My heart can't handle being hurt anymore. Seriously, I think that if I have another heart break I will need serious counsel, I'm not kidding or exaggerating.

So I know it seems like a small step but to me it's huge. I have a clear boundary and proud of it. I have stopped responding to those guys that text me super late cause they are "bored" yeaahhh I'm not dumb, I know what you want. I also have decided that unless we are dating, flirting is all you get of me. I have self control and I know how to use it now and I will not back down. I don't like losing and this is a battle that I will win. I know to not even put myself in those situations where things could even lead to something more.

I know that this is a huge step in my life and I know that there is going to be opposition but I know that with God on my side I can do anything. If I stumble for some reason I am not going to beat myself up. I am going to get right back up on that horse and go even harder than before. I am old enough, wise enough, and more mature to just keep doing what I have done since high school. I am not that same person and there needs to be a outward change for everyone to see.

I normally would be upset that I even had to struggle with what to do because it would seem like such an easy decision to make for some but the fact I struggled whether or not to do this makes me that much stronger. I have gone back and forth over this and I know it may get hard but in the end I know it will be worth it and I will save myself so many emotional roller coster rides, lol.

It's never too late to start over. God gives us a fresh start everyday and He will be there to encourage us to keep going. He's love never fails.

At it once again

I was really excited about coming home. I was looking forward to spending time with my family. I felt like we had really overcome some obstacles from the past year and I was excited to come home to a peaceful home as an adult. Ya know what they say about when you assume, you only make an ass out of yourself and them... I am really good at making an ass out of myself.

I am so confused. Since last year when I moved out to Reno I thought my parents and I were on the upside of things. I thought we had finally moved on from the fact that I wasn't 12 and I could think for myself and I wouldn't die without my parents with me each step of life. Well as my dad so lovely laid out today, in his eyes I haven't made much progress. (BTW, what the hell am I exactly progressing to?! I am 21, so I didn't know if that meant something or not but apparently it doesn't so if it doesn't mean anything what the hell am I striving for...? yeahhh, fuck it.) I thought that when my parents said I didn't have to get a job, I didn't have to get a job, ops. Well I was supposed to read in between the lines where they were more like "we strongly advise you to get a job, but you need to figure that out on your own" I am really done playing games trying to figure out what exactly my parents want and don't want. They say one thing and mean another. I can't express myself but yet at the same time I can but only in certain ways. What's the point of expressing myself if the way I express myself is not allowed?

I really should have known better. I should have known it would have been a trick. Now, I have to live with the consequences. Not that this is anything new to me but I just thought my this time I'd be done with it. I think I have finally come to the realization that it isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I am slightly hopefully that this will end when I get married but Lord knows when that would ever happen. As much as my parents guilt trip me about staying close to them, if things keep up the way they are now, there is no way in hell I'd be around them.

I just love how my dad is so good with words that anything you say you are going to sound dumb, immature, and feel like whatever you say is not enough or worth a damn. I can't his augments. I know that no matter what I say, it wont make a difference. The biggest thing I have going for me now is not breaking down in tears and keeping eye contact when he stares at me. I do have self confidence and I don't make decisions just for the hell of it. I do think things out and so when he looks at me like I have no brain, I can stare back because I have what it takes. I know I will make it in life and I will not let him or anyone else take away my worth with his opinions on how my life should be run.

There is a sliver lining to this all...right? I always can see the silver lining, I know that its around here somewhere... I will find it, I have to find it.

Thats what friends are for

I love how God brings people together. He knows just what we need and when we need it. He see us where we are and hears our hearts cry, whether we actually tell Him or not. It's awesome to look back on my life and see where God has moved on and in at a certain time. Just when I thought I had it under control or thought I didn't need him, He moved in my life to see His hand in things.

I always use to pray that God would give me good friends. I never felt like He heard my cry. All through out high school all I wanted God to do was give me a friend. A good Christian friend. I never got a good close best friend until I hit college. She and I were friends but then became best friends when I needed a girlfriend more than anything after the break up with my bf. Rachel Farlow and I are still best friends. She is an awesome friend who always encourages me to go deeper in what the Father has for me. No matter where in the world, literally, we are we still keep in touch and always pick right back up where we left off. She's a blessing from God.

This time God blessed me even when I didn't think I needed a friend. I moved to KC in august and I thought I could do life without friends. I had my roommates who I interacted with everyday and I thought that would be enough for me to breeze through a year here. I didn't want to stay because I just didn't like anything about life here. Well you know God and how He has different plans for our lives. I didn't want to get to know my D-group leader at all. I wanted to stay reserved and just keep to myself. Ahahaha now months later she is my best friend at IHOP. It's funny how God changes things around on us. It's awesome. Once again God has answered my prayers again even when I wasn't thinkin. He's given me a friend who I know will be there for me. She is my sister in Christ. She is the best and I am so lucky to have her in my life. I love it when God gives me blessings :)

Even though I didn't really have a close family growing up through high school, my sister was always there. We didn't talk that much and see each other really often but we still had a close relationship. I couldn't have asked for a better sister and friend. I love my sister so much because not only are we blood related but also have a close friendship. It's awesome to have someone who has known you since birth and talk about everything. I thank God everyday for my family and what we have become today. Through the thick and thin we've made it out alive. Praise God.

100!!!!

Today is the 100th post on my blog!! WHOOHOOO!! Oh yeahhh!

Since this blog is the special one, I wanted to talk bout what all has happened since I started my blog, quick recap ;)

I've graduated high school. I've been to New York City to San Francisco. I got a new car. I've been in 3 different school for college. I've gotten a tattoo and a nose piercing. I had a serious boyfriend and thought I was gunna get married (Praise Jesus I got out of that one). I've grown my hair out past my boobs and then chopped it all off and colored it red. I've reconnected with my grandparents and family. I've become an aunt times 3. I've lived at two different addresses. I've been unemployed for most of the time. I've turned 21. I've had a painted room for the 1st time ever.

Anddddd lots of other firsts but we'll just leave those in the past where they belong. But needless to say, I've changed a lot in the past few years. I am more happy today than I ever have been. Jesus is awesome and life is great.

Family

I feel like I repeat myself alot on my blog. I feel like I write about the same stuff over and over again with just a lil different take on things. Lame.

Meh. I only have a few more days before thanksgiving break!! :D I am pumped to be back home around my family for a few days. It's funny cause I never thought I would be happy to go back to LA but since my parents and I can actually have conversations I do wanna talk with them and let them hear my heart. I can trust that they wont hurt me when I open up to them about my life and whats goin on. I love my parents.

Can I just say that my grandma is awesome? I don't really know her that well sadly, but she has sent me two text messages this past week about jobs. She said that they miss me desperately and want me to move back home. It warmed my heart to see she still cares even though she and I don't really have a relationship.

I can't really dwell on the fact that I don't know my grandparents that much otherwise I begin to lose it and start crying and what not, lol. I am really upset that I never got to grow up with my grandparents. I feel so rob from knowing them and spending time with them. Some of my favorite memories are from spending time with my grandparents. At Christmas and thanksgiving we would always go to my grandparents house and have a big lunch even though with all our families we barely fit. I always loved that my grandpa would make a skittle sandwich, have little debbie cakes mid morning, and a bite of pecan log right before bed. I hate that I am the age to start my own family and I feel like I barely know my own family. As a little girl that was what meant the most to me, family. I was always so proud that my family didn't have problems, we were a happy family. Then all hell broke lose and that dream shattered. Praise Jesus my family is put back together and still coming back together but it still has it's scars. All I pray for now is that by the time I get married our family will be put back enough that I can have all of my siblings there with their families without drama.

On a different note, I need to get back to being productive, lol. I need to work out, read, and stitch and stuff. I always feel so much better after I actually do stuff that needs to be done and I always feel better after I work out, I just cant actually get myself to work out....arg. lol Although, as much as I hate waking up for 6ams, I do feel like I get more done when I get up earlier and besides if I go to bed earlier and wake up earlier my life is less drama-filled because I go to bed before it even starts :) I am proud that I can say I am 21 and can wake up at 4:30 in the morning.

Let Go

I think its funny how God blesses us with other people when we least expect it. When you are just going about your day and then casually in the conversation God will come up and how He is touching and talking to them and it blesses you.

Today my roommate and I were talking about what we have been hearing in class and how we should stop holding on to everything so tightly and let God have it. When we let God have control everything works out for the best for everyone. She was talking about how she has let go of certain things in her life and then how God has blessed her even more so. Hearing her talk about her life made me look at my life and then I realized the same thing. God has given me so much more than I realized. I didn't see it at first because I was still hung up on the old stuff but now I can see that God has given me so much more now that I have let go and given Him room to grow in my life.

Now after seeing what He has done I wonder, what would my life look like if I approached everything with open hands, allowing God to have His way? I know that as Christians we say that God has control but we don't really mean, everything. It just makes me think about how life would be different living with open hands. Plus God has the best life for us anyway.