alrightyyy

So life is beginning to settle down a lil bit. After the fiasco with my tattoo and stuff. My mom still isn't talkin to me but thankfully my dad is. There has been so much stuff goin on more than just the issue of me gettin a tattoo its been so stressful. Ive been takin it day by day and things are gettin better, through the grace of God. I'm workin on talkin to my parents about stuff but its still really hard to talk to them because I am afraid to have different view from them because they are so strict on their views and such. But I'm realizing that they aren't God and I do have to respect them because they are my parents and I am living under their roof but in the end I will have to answer to God for my actions. The biggest thing I've learned through this is that God still loves me and I'm not any less of a person because I got a tattoo. I know God is goin to see me through this so I'm not stressing anymore.

On a different note... I have less than a month left of my 6 month no dating thing, lol. But even though I'll be able to date, I don't know if I'll want to. I'm still pretty hurt from the crap from Pete and I also don't want to deal with the drama, lol. I've learned some things and I don't want to just date because I can. I can be happy without a guy by my side.

So I've been talkin with my ex again and things are goin good. NO I'm not sayin that were gettin back together but we can talk about stuff and it's really good. We've both agreed that we do want to be friends but as far as anything more it has to be abundantly clear from God that that is the best and right decision for both of us. I dont regret that we broke up at all. I think it was very necessary. I really do think God did a work in my life and as well as in his. I'm really glad were friends again :) I've missed him and didn't realize how much I did until I started talkin to him again.

I'm so glad I blog. I love it SO much! lol I forget how much I like to blog. It really helps me think through things and calm down every now and then. I think I should really try to blog each day that way life goes smoothly or atleast seem like it cause I don't have to think about everything so much because its down on paper... or typed on my blog ;)

WTF!?

My boss is an freakin PUNK! I swear! We just hired a new guy who wants to work alot cause he doesnt have anything else to do. I have school every morning and its FREAKIN SUMMERRR! Ive spent one day at my pool. ONE! Im sorry I am So DAMN PISSED! If I try to ask off early or just for my EFFING birthday he throws a freakin fit! Im so sick of workin its not even funny! Good Lord. Oh and get this. I do everything Gary needs no complaining nothing, i get here whenever he needs me and he told me id have a raise. Well my paycheck came and gone and yeaaa no raise. But then the new guy comes in and he gets the same pay as me. REALLY??? REALLY?? wow. yea well Gary better be in for a rude awakening when fall school starts yea im not workin. I told him last spring that I was takin a semester off from work, and I mean it. I have my whole life to work, I dont want to work while im goin to school. I have plenty of money saved up and I can pick up odd jobs here and there to do if I need to. Im so PISSED! wow.

Here we go again...

I knew better... I don't understand why guys have to be such JERKS. Like really is it that hard for you to be a man and own up to your frickin immaturity.

But then again I feel like it was my problem. I guess I fell for something that would never happen. Can you really blame me though, I mean come on! You frickin talked to my dad about us gettin married, WTF!? Yea we may not have dated so I shouldn't really have any shit to complain about but the signs you gave me and the way you acted sure made me believe we were a lil closer than friends. And then for you to think its okay that you made a MISTAKE... oh wow. yeaa well I guess it's better this way. Just like it was before. You live your live and I live mine. DON'T you even think that I'd like anything more cause after all this shit you'll be lucky if I even look at you. I swear I am so pissed. You talked to me for months and then nothing. Right before I leave the country for a month you care though and then I come back and once again, nothing. WOW, you've got some balls or should I say lack there of.

And guys wonder why girls have trust issues. It sure is hard to trust after you did once and got screwed from hell. damn. Yea well what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? hahah the real knight in shining armor is gunna have a real good time gettin me to trust him and actually believe what he says.

Whatever. I'm over it. Thank God I don't ever have to see him but only on special occasions. That's a relief.

My Man :)

- has strong, thick, good-lookin shoulders
- has an Amazing smile
- great sense of humor
- eyes I can get lost in for days
- his arms are a place I feel safe
- tall enough where I can place my head in his chest
- loves me with all my flaws
- someone who never stops surprising me
- someone I can trust to lead without being too pushy
- someone who wants lots of kids


to be continued... :)

ahh back home

Well I'm back in the states and oh what a joy, lol. I'm to be glad back but yet I still miss everyone. Not having to put up with dumb shit with retarded ppl at home was nice too. So Monday morning I had to get right back in to the swing of things with school and then work on Tuesday. I'm ready for my sister to come home because once again life at home isn't at its best. Apparently I've gain too much weight for my clothes so my parents feel the need to let me know that I should go buy new clothes. Also I haven't put away all of my laundry because I had a frickin ton and I've been super busy and haven't been home a whole lot since I'm workin all day and have homework. So I'm slackin according to my parents. This morning, the first thing my mom said to me was that I need to get on top of things and that i was slackin and then as I'm walkin out of the door both of my parents commented on my pants sayin I needed to get a bigger pair. Just the way I wanna start my mornings. Thanks guys. Ugh! I'm so tempted to just stop eating all together, even though I know I shouldn't but it's lil comments like those that make me feel horrible bout my self. And not to mention this morning I actually put time and effort into what I was wearing. I wore make up and jewelry which is rare.

Anyways on the bright side of things, I could be gettin a raise but im not gunna hold my breathe. It would be really nice but we'll see. Also I have an A in my econ class so far and that's with a missed 10 pt quiz. I got a 120 on a quiz with no bonus... hmmmm oh well I'm not complaining. I hope this class will help my GPA a lil bit.

That's another thing. After this past year of college my parents kept askin if I was okay with my GPA. I said yes multiple times. I'm not the A student like my other siblings and I'm fine with that. I'm not gunna beat myself up because I didn't get a 4.0. That's great for my older sibs but that's not me. I never have been and I don't think I ever will be. I'm not lookin down on myself, I'm just being honest. I'm goin to do my best but sometimes my best isn't A quality.

AHHHHH! That's kinda how I feel right now... So this weekend I don't have any plans and I'm considering goin to the movies...by myself... lol

June 10, 2010

I go through waves where I cant wait to be home and then when I never wanna leave costa. I know I should really enjoy my time here but its so hard sometimes, especially when everyone makes fun of me about how I talk, where I live, and even what I say. Even the freakin girls who live 45 mins from me. Im sorry I have a southern drawl. I cant help it. Ugh it pisses me off so much. I cant say anything without someone commenting on it being stupid, not makin sense or how I sound when I say it. I don’t even wanna talk anymore, cause I know im just gunna be made fun of so theres no point in it.

But then I realize that im not gunna be able to hang out with theses girls like am now so I should enjoy it. some of the girls are really sweet and I love them to death and I am really gunna miss them. My roommate is awesome and we have alotta things in common which is great. And then there is also another girl who is the sweetest thing I’ve ever met. I really am gunna miss her a lot. She has a great personality.

I guess just being together with everyone for two weeks is startin to wear on me. Im really startin to miss my family and friends and some things that the girls are doin are getting on my nerves. But I guess that’s what happens when you spend just about every minute of everyday with 8 girls with ages from 17 to 23. Sigh…. well I just have one week left I can make it. I just keep thinking positive thoughts.

June 7, 2010

So today I finally spoke out loud that I was mad at God. I was so mad at him for so many different things, some I never said aloud and others that bothered me. One of the biggest reasons was over Pete. Im not gunna lie, he told me he was “feeling that God was leading him” toward another girl, it didn’t really begin to bother me til bout a week later. I guess I was in shock but now im really hurt. He probably hurt me the most over any other guy. I apparently allowed myself to go to far with my feelings, but partly because I had talked to my dad and he was okay with things. I really trusted my dad and therefore trusted Pete. I don’t really know what to think anymore, but I know dad did talk to him and from the expression on my moms face, I don’t think my dad held back anything that needed to be said.

After I actually said out loud that I was mad at God then I immediately broke down in tears in front of everyone, kinda sucked. Oh well I got it out and felt a whole lot better, especially after mrs joy prayed for me. So im doin better now but Im still workin through some stuff here and there.