Doubt. I hate you.

So I've decided that doubt is the worst thing in the world, at least to me right now anyways. lol I dont know why I even believe in it. I have confidence in myself and who I am. I hate it that right when I start speaking that I am fine being alone and I dont need friends at this moment all my friends I have I start to think they have forgotten about me. I know they havent, I know that they just get busy. The worst part is that most of my friends that I wanna talk with live two timezones away making it nearly impossible to communicate except over text because I go to bed so early. I miss my friends in Reno. I was talking to my roommates the other day (which are my friends, so i dont even know why i am like "I dont have any friends" cause its a lie in the first place) about how i love Reno soooo much because I dont have any bad memories there or any hurt. It was the safest, most freeing, and most fun time of my life. Of course I would wanna go back home, why not? I made memories of a lifetime there. With me missing Reno, I also keep thinking that I made a mistake by coming here. But at one point God did tell me yes or more or less no. I will see good and fruit come from this. I just cant see it right now. God is going to bless this time.

I'll give it a chance

Im still struggling with this whole ihop decision but I am trying to make the best of it. Im not saying I am gunna be happy go lucky all the time but I will actually make an effort to see the silver lining.

This is just what I wrote during worship last night, as you can tell I'm still learning how to deal and feel about everything here...

"The night isn't just when the sun isn't shining. The night is when you can't see the light ahead of you. When you think you've lost your way cause you can't see anything. When you feel like you've made a mistake.
 
God did make a way for me. He worked everything out. There were no deliberate stop signs. He confirmed it others hearts as well. At one point I had to decide whether or not this was something I wanted to do. I just need faith to trust and believe what he spoke to me months ago is still truth. This is for a short time. This too will pass. It's only the beginning and it will get better. God will see me through it just like anything else.
 
I should cherish the fact that I do get the opportunity to be in his presence so easily. Not that God isn't around all the time but it's a time where I don't have a ton of distractions.
 
Yes I realize that some people here are "brainwashed" to the fact that you shouldn't be of the world. I should congratulate them that they can make that decision and stick with it and impact the impact of heaven that way. But then I praise God that he gave me a heart to be in the world and make an impact for His glory and honor in the worldly settings. I am blessed that I can bring His love into the world."

The words of a song

"I believe you move at the sound of voice. You heard my cry and answered me. I love the lord for he heard my cry and he delivered me from my fears. You lifted me up higher and higher"- Song from Jay Thomas

I cant get enough!!

I LOVE music sooooo much! I could literally listen to it non stop for the rest of my life. I just think its so beautiful. It has a way of filling the room and changes things. I love how it doesn’t matter whats goin on but if begin to listen to music it will change things. Music is so amazing! I am so amazed by it I could just listen to music without lyrics. It has so much creativity.  

When I play I feel like I can accomplish anything in the world. Just cause I can play a few notes here and there on the piano. It's so weird how much satisfaction I get out of playing, whether its just the simplest song or the hardest song and took months to learn. 

Basically, I am just fascinated with music. lol

Prayer room ramblings

I still rustle with this whole thing of IHOP. I know that this is where im supposed to be but it still doesn’t make it any easier of doin it. My heart truly is in Reno. I just miss my friends and what God was doin in Reno. I don’t know what life here is goin to look like and I don’t want to have this huge major change in my life to the point of where I touch with the things that really go on in life. I know some may be called to a more radical lifestyle than mine. I think that if you are going to be part of the world and minister to the ones around you in the US you should be able to relate with them and talk to them about things that everyone would understand. I could be completely wrong but this is what I believe.

I dont get it sometimes. You would think it would make sense and I would get it logically but I don’t.