I was really excited about coming home. I was looking forward to spending time with my family. I felt like we had really overcome some obstacles from the past year and I was excited to come home to a peaceful home as an adult. Ya know what they say about when you assume, you only make an ass out of yourself and them... I am really good at making an ass out of myself.
I am so confused. Since last year when I moved out to Reno I thought my parents and I were on the upside of things. I thought we had finally moved on from the fact that I wasn't 12 and I could think for myself and I wouldn't die without my parents with me each step of life. Well as my dad so lovely laid out today, in his eyes I haven't made much progress. (BTW, what the hell am I exactly progressing to?! I am 21, so I didn't know if that meant something or not but apparently it doesn't so if it doesn't mean anything what the hell am I striving for...? yeahhh, fuck it.) I thought that when my parents said I didn't have to get a job, I didn't have to get a job, ops. Well I was supposed to read in between the lines where they were more like "we strongly advise you to get a job, but you need to figure that out on your own" I am really done playing games trying to figure out what exactly my parents want and don't want. They say one thing and mean another. I can't express myself but yet at the same time I can but only in certain ways. What's the point of expressing myself if the way I express myself is not allowed?
I really should have known better. I should have known it would have been a trick. Now, I have to live with the consequences. Not that this is anything new to me but I just thought my this time I'd be done with it. I think I have finally come to the realization that it isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I am slightly hopefully that this will end when I get married but Lord knows when that would ever happen. As much as my parents guilt trip me about staying close to them, if things keep up the way they are now, there is no way in hell I'd be around them.
I just love how my dad is so good with words that anything you say you are going to sound dumb, immature, and feel like whatever you say is not enough or worth a damn. I can't his augments. I know that no matter what I say, it wont make a difference. The biggest thing I have going for me now is not breaking down in tears and keeping eye contact when he stares at me. I do have self confidence and I don't make decisions just for the hell of it. I do think things out and so when he looks at me like I have no brain, I can stare back because I have what it takes. I know I will make it in life and I will not let him or anyone else take away my worth with his opinions on how my life should be run.
There is a sliver lining to this all...right? I always can see the silver lining, I know that its around here somewhere... I will find it, I have to find it.
Monday, November 21
Friday, November 18
Thats what friends are for
I love how God brings people together. He knows just what we need and when we need it. He see us where we are and hears our hearts cry, whether we actually tell Him or not. It's awesome to look back on my life and see where God has moved on and in at a certain time. Just when I thought I had it under control or thought I didn't need him, He moved in my life to see His hand in things.
I always use to pray that God would give me good friends. I never felt like He heard my cry. All through out high school all I wanted God to do was give me a friend. A good Christian friend. I never got a good close best friend until I hit college. She and I were friends but then became best friends when I needed a girlfriend more than anything after the break up with my bf. Rachel Farlow and I are still best friends. She is an awesome friend who always encourages me to go deeper in what the Father has for me. No matter where in the world, literally, we are we still keep in touch and always pick right back up where we left off. She's a blessing from God.
This time God blessed me even when I didn't think I needed a friend. I moved to KC in august and I thought I could do life without friends. I had my roommates who I interacted with everyday and I thought that would be enough for me to breeze through a year here. I didn't want to stay because I just didn't like anything about life here. Well you know God and how He has different plans for our lives. I didn't want to get to know my D-group leader at all. I wanted to stay reserved and just keep to myself. Ahahaha now months later she is my best friend at IHOP. It's funny how God changes things around on us. It's awesome. Once again God has answered my prayers again even when I wasn't thinkin. He's given me a friend who I know will be there for me. She is my sister in Christ. She is the best and I am so lucky to have her in my life. I love it when God gives me blessings :)
Even though I didn't really have a close family growing up through high school, my sister was always there. We didn't talk that much and see each other really often but we still had a close relationship. I couldn't have asked for a better sister and friend. I love my sister so much because not only are we blood related but also have a close friendship. It's awesome to have someone who has known you since birth and talk about everything. I thank God everyday for my family and what we have become today. Through the thick and thin we've made it out alive. Praise God.
I always use to pray that God would give me good friends. I never felt like He heard my cry. All through out high school all I wanted God to do was give me a friend. A good Christian friend. I never got a good close best friend until I hit college. She and I were friends but then became best friends when I needed a girlfriend more than anything after the break up with my bf. Rachel Farlow and I are still best friends. She is an awesome friend who always encourages me to go deeper in what the Father has for me. No matter where in the world, literally, we are we still keep in touch and always pick right back up where we left off. She's a blessing from God.
This time God blessed me even when I didn't think I needed a friend. I moved to KC in august and I thought I could do life without friends. I had my roommates who I interacted with everyday and I thought that would be enough for me to breeze through a year here. I didn't want to stay because I just didn't like anything about life here. Well you know God and how He has different plans for our lives. I didn't want to get to know my D-group leader at all. I wanted to stay reserved and just keep to myself. Ahahaha now months later she is my best friend at IHOP. It's funny how God changes things around on us. It's awesome. Once again God has answered my prayers again even when I wasn't thinkin. He's given me a friend who I know will be there for me. She is my sister in Christ. She is the best and I am so lucky to have her in my life. I love it when God gives me blessings :)
Even though I didn't really have a close family growing up through high school, my sister was always there. We didn't talk that much and see each other really often but we still had a close relationship. I couldn't have asked for a better sister and friend. I love my sister so much because not only are we blood related but also have a close friendship. It's awesome to have someone who has known you since birth and talk about everything. I thank God everyday for my family and what we have become today. Through the thick and thin we've made it out alive. Praise God.
Wednesday, November 16
100!!!!
Today is the 100th post on my blog!! WHOOHOOO!! Oh yeahhh!
Since this blog is the special one, I wanted to talk bout what all has happened since I started my blog, quick recap ;)
I've graduated high school. I've been to New York City to San Francisco. I got a new car. I've been in 3 different school for college. I've gotten a tattoo and a nose piercing. I had a serious boyfriend and thought I was gunna get married (Praise Jesus I got out of that one). I've grown my hair out past my boobs and then chopped it all off and colored it red. I've reconnected with my grandparents and family. I've become an aunt times 3. I've lived at two different addresses. I've been unemployed for most of the time. I've turned 21. I've had a painted room for the 1st time ever.
Anddddd lots of other firsts but we'll just leave those in the past where they belong. But needless to say, I've changed a lot in the past few years. I am more happy today than I ever have been. Jesus is awesome and life is great.
Since this blog is the special one, I wanted to talk bout what all has happened since I started my blog, quick recap ;)
I've graduated high school. I've been to New York City to San Francisco. I got a new car. I've been in 3 different school for college. I've gotten a tattoo and a nose piercing. I had a serious boyfriend and thought I was gunna get married (Praise Jesus I got out of that one). I've grown my hair out past my boobs and then chopped it all off and colored it red. I've reconnected with my grandparents and family. I've become an aunt times 3. I've lived at two different addresses. I've been unemployed for most of the time. I've turned 21. I've had a painted room for the 1st time ever.
Anddddd lots of other firsts but we'll just leave those in the past where they belong. But needless to say, I've changed a lot in the past few years. I am more happy today than I ever have been. Jesus is awesome and life is great.
Monday, November 14
Family
I feel like I repeat myself alot on my blog. I feel like I write about the same stuff over and over again with just a lil different take on things. Lame.
Meh. I only have a few more days before thanksgiving break!! :D I am pumped to be back home around my family for a few days. It's funny cause I never thought I would be happy to go back to LA but since my parents and I can actually have conversations I do wanna talk with them and let them hear my heart. I can trust that they wont hurt me when I open up to them about my life and whats goin on. I love my parents.
Can I just say that my grandma is awesome? I don't really know her that well sadly, but she has sent me two text messages this past week about jobs. She said that they miss me desperately and want me to move back home. It warmed my heart to see she still cares even though she and I don't really have a relationship.
I can't really dwell on the fact that I don't know my grandparents that much otherwise I begin to lose it and start crying and what not, lol. I am really upset that I never got to grow up with my grandparents. I feel so rob from knowing them and spending time with them. Some of my favorite memories are from spending time with my grandparents. At Christmas and thanksgiving we would always go to my grandparents house and have a big lunch even though with all our families we barely fit. I always loved that my grandpa would make a skittle sandwich, have little debbie cakes mid morning, and a bite of pecan log right before bed. I hate that I am the age to start my own family and I feel like I barely know my own family. As a little girl that was what meant the most to me, family. I was always so proud that my family didn't have problems, we were a happy family. Then all hell broke lose and that dream shattered. Praise Jesus my family is put back together and still coming back together but it still has it's scars. All I pray for now is that by the time I get married our family will be put back enough that I can have all of my siblings there with their families without drama.
On a different note, I need to get back to being productive, lol. I need to work out, read, and stitch and stuff. I always feel so much better after I actually do stuff that needs to be done and I always feel better after I work out, I just cant actually get myself to work out....arg. lol Although, as much as I hate waking up for 6ams, I do feel like I get more done when I get up earlier and besides if I go to bed earlier and wake up earlier my life is less drama-filled because I go to bed before it even starts :) I am proud that I can say I am 21 and can wake up at 4:30 in the morning.
Meh. I only have a few more days before thanksgiving break!! :D I am pumped to be back home around my family for a few days. It's funny cause I never thought I would be happy to go back to LA but since my parents and I can actually have conversations I do wanna talk with them and let them hear my heart. I can trust that they wont hurt me when I open up to them about my life and whats goin on. I love my parents.
Can I just say that my grandma is awesome? I don't really know her that well sadly, but she has sent me two text messages this past week about jobs. She said that they miss me desperately and want me to move back home. It warmed my heart to see she still cares even though she and I don't really have a relationship.
I can't really dwell on the fact that I don't know my grandparents that much otherwise I begin to lose it and start crying and what not, lol. I am really upset that I never got to grow up with my grandparents. I feel so rob from knowing them and spending time with them. Some of my favorite memories are from spending time with my grandparents. At Christmas and thanksgiving we would always go to my grandparents house and have a big lunch even though with all our families we barely fit. I always loved that my grandpa would make a skittle sandwich, have little debbie cakes mid morning, and a bite of pecan log right before bed. I hate that I am the age to start my own family and I feel like I barely know my own family. As a little girl that was what meant the most to me, family. I was always so proud that my family didn't have problems, we were a happy family. Then all hell broke lose and that dream shattered. Praise Jesus my family is put back together and still coming back together but it still has it's scars. All I pray for now is that by the time I get married our family will be put back enough that I can have all of my siblings there with their families without drama.
On a different note, I need to get back to being productive, lol. I need to work out, read, and stitch and stuff. I always feel so much better after I actually do stuff that needs to be done and I always feel better after I work out, I just cant actually get myself to work out....arg. lol Although, as much as I hate waking up for 6ams, I do feel like I get more done when I get up earlier and besides if I go to bed earlier and wake up earlier my life is less drama-filled because I go to bed before it even starts :) I am proud that I can say I am 21 and can wake up at 4:30 in the morning.
Friday, November 11
Let Go
I think its funny how God blesses us with other people when we least expect it. When you are just going about your day and then casually in the conversation God will come up and how He is touching and talking to them and it blesses you.
Today my roommate and I were talking about what we have been hearing in class and how we should stop holding on to everything so tightly and let God have it. When we let God have control everything works out for the best for everyone. She was talking about how she has let go of certain things in her life and then how God has blessed her even more so. Hearing her talk about her life made me look at my life and then I realized the same thing. God has given me so much more than I realized. I didn't see it at first because I was still hung up on the old stuff but now I can see that God has given me so much more now that I have let go and given Him room to grow in my life.
Now after seeing what He has done I wonder, what would my life look like if I approached everything with open hands, allowing God to have His way? I know that as Christians we say that God has control but we don't really mean, everything. It just makes me think about how life would be different living with open hands. Plus God has the best life for us anyway.
Today my roommate and I were talking about what we have been hearing in class and how we should stop holding on to everything so tightly and let God have it. When we let God have control everything works out for the best for everyone. She was talking about how she has let go of certain things in her life and then how God has blessed her even more so. Hearing her talk about her life made me look at my life and then I realized the same thing. God has given me so much more than I realized. I didn't see it at first because I was still hung up on the old stuff but now I can see that God has given me so much more now that I have let go and given Him room to grow in my life.
Now after seeing what He has done I wonder, what would my life look like if I approached everything with open hands, allowing God to have His way? I know that as Christians we say that God has control but we don't really mean, everything. It just makes me think about how life would be different living with open hands. Plus God has the best life for us anyway.
Thursday, November 10
Wow, wasn't expecting that!
The beginning of last week was really hard for me. I was having a hard time really enjoying God and I was really struggling with why I was here at IHOP. I never felt like I fit in or had an amazing story to tell.
After keeping this to myself all week, I finally broke down and told one of my roommates. I am so glad I did. It brought so much freedom and I have been so blessed I wish I had done it sooner, lol. I told her everything about how I was so tired and just couldn't keep going. I needed help. She prayed for me and gave me some encouraging words and then the next day at the night worship service I had break through. I was just pacing and then all the sudden it hit me that God loves me and He has everything under control. I felt peace, joy, and love all over again. It was awesome!
Ever since then I have been on cloud nine! I keep gettin so pumped about God. Seriously, I can't contain myself. It just flows out of me. I love it but at the same time I have no control so it's a crazy feeling. AHH!! I just get so excited to Love my Heavenly Father and learn more about Him. It's an awesome feeling and I cant get enough. I also don't want it to leave. Every day I wake up I ask God for another out pouring of revelation.
God is amazing and all of the above. I just cant even put it into words how incredible he is! ahhh! yeah. lol
After keeping this to myself all week, I finally broke down and told one of my roommates. I am so glad I did. It brought so much freedom and I have been so blessed I wish I had done it sooner, lol. I told her everything about how I was so tired and just couldn't keep going. I needed help. She prayed for me and gave me some encouraging words and then the next day at the night worship service I had break through. I was just pacing and then all the sudden it hit me that God loves me and He has everything under control. I felt peace, joy, and love all over again. It was awesome!
Ever since then I have been on cloud nine! I keep gettin so pumped about God. Seriously, I can't contain myself. It just flows out of me. I love it but at the same time I have no control so it's a crazy feeling. AHH!! I just get so excited to Love my Heavenly Father and learn more about Him. It's an awesome feeling and I cant get enough. I also don't want it to leave. Every day I wake up I ask God for another out pouring of revelation.
God is amazing and all of the above. I just cant even put it into words how incredible he is! ahhh! yeah. lol
Monday, November 7
Life.
Sometimes it trips me out bout how
real life feels sometimes or not real. Yes I know I sound a bit crazy but if
you really stop and think about life. It just doesn’t seem real. The feelings
of joy, sadness, peace, and love they just don’t seem real. I love it but at
the same time I just don’t get enough of all that life has to offer.
Thank God that with Him I can experience
more of life to the fullest. He was the one who created life and therefore He
would be the only one who can give us the feeling of satisfaction. I cant
imagine actually enjoying life without Him in the center of it.
I cant even express how thankful I
am to God for once again coming through with His amazing love. Just when I
thought I couldn’t handle it anymore He came in and gave me peace about life. I
know that He does come through but in the midst of trouble I still have a
feeling of doubt. The best part is, is that I was already in a state of peace
but I couldn’t feel it until I let it go. And the way I really let it go was by
letting someone know so they could pray for me. I needed the encouragement. I
needed the companionship from my sister in Christ.
I think one of the most important things that I've learned here at IHOP is that prayer does make a difference. With everything that comes at me in life, it will never be too big for God and nothing that prayer wont help. I am really glad God has shown me things and now that I have stopped complaining I can actually see the growth. Not that it is any easier than it was before, but for today I can enjoy the gifts that I have been given with a light and joyful heart. Everyday is a battle but I know I can conquer it and therefor I have hope.
Throughout everything I will never stop giving thanks to God even for the littlest things. God has blessed me more than I could ever imagine. Honesty saying thanks for things throughout my day is the least I can do. Also if I am always saying thanks it leaves little room to have a complaining attitude about things.
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