I am wrecked

So a few weeks ago God really hit me with some awesome stuff and actually spoke to me through the word for the first time. It was pretty much super awesome and I was jacked up on what he said for a while. Anyways, well today in class God just reminded me about what He spoke to me about a few weeks ago.

Eph 6:10-20

The armor of God. I had forgotten about the armor that God has called us to put on. I always said I wanted to be a warrior for Jesus but I never could succeed or make progress because I never had the protection of God. I never prepared myself. I always fell to the accusations the enemy would come against me with. Then it hit me, I need to put on the armor of God and then I can fight.

We always get stuck on feelin pity on ourselves. We always get stuck and then keep asking God to save us from ourselves, when really we just need to actually stand up and fight. God has given us the tools we need to fight, now we need to walk in that and do it.

I hate when I am being attacked and all I do is ask for help without actually doing anything about it. God just began to burn it on my heart that I need to stand up. I need to prepare myself for the battle. I need to take action. I have power and I need to walk in it to have victory. I am done feeling sorry for myself and not fighting for myself.

Today God gave me another flame to stir the fire again. My heart is not okay with sitting idly by allowing the enemy to attack me. No longer, every morning I make the decision to protect myself against the attacks. I put on the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit. I put on the belt of truth with the breastplate of righteousness. (One of my favorite parts) AND fit your feet with the gospel of peace. So meaning even though you are "fighting" you are still rooted in peace from God.

My daily prayer is also that of Paul's "I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel...I am an ambassador...Pray that I may declare it fearlessly as I should"

Growth

So after two and a half years of really going hard core after God I can really begin to see a change in my life. Not that I haven't seen a change before today but I was just reflecting on the fact of how much I have changed. Yes I know there are some areas that don't seem like much growth but to me they are huge steps. (Im bout to get kinda personal...and tell a lil about my past...)

So I have had a past with quite a few guys and I used to kinda be proud of it. I used to "brag" about how many guys I'd fooled around with and I thought it was cool. (How is that cool?! You just look like a SLUT! ahaha, gahhh so dumb!) So anyways, I've recently decided that I am sick of the way I just let guys treat me or how I change just because of a guy. That's not me. I have changed in my heart but I haven't actaully done anything about it to show it outwardly. Well after mannnyyyyy long hours of debating whether or not I want to really take a stand on this I have decided that if I don't I am just leaving a door open to allow the enemy to attack me. I am serious, I am no longer playing the games everyone plays. I have played the games and I know how to play them well but it's not fun because I end up gettin attached or he gets attached more than we planned and I or he will get hurt. My heart can't handle being hurt anymore. Seriously, I think that if I have another heart break I will need serious counsel, I'm not kidding or exaggerating.

So I know it seems like a small step but to me it's huge. I have a clear boundary and proud of it. I have stopped responding to those guys that text me super late cause they are "bored" yeaahhh I'm not dumb, I know what you want. I also have decided that unless we are dating, flirting is all you get of me. I have self control and I know how to use it now and I will not back down. I don't like losing and this is a battle that I will win. I know to not even put myself in those situations where things could even lead to something more.

I know that this is a huge step in my life and I know that there is going to be opposition but I know that with God on my side I can do anything. If I stumble for some reason I am not going to beat myself up. I am going to get right back up on that horse and go even harder than before. I am old enough, wise enough, and more mature to just keep doing what I have done since high school. I am not that same person and there needs to be a outward change for everyone to see.

I normally would be upset that I even had to struggle with what to do because it would seem like such an easy decision to make for some but the fact I struggled whether or not to do this makes me that much stronger. I have gone back and forth over this and I know it may get hard but in the end I know it will be worth it and I will save myself so many emotional roller coster rides, lol.

It's never too late to start over. God gives us a fresh start everyday and He will be there to encourage us to keep going. He's love never fails.

At it once again

I was really excited about coming home. I was looking forward to spending time with my family. I felt like we had really overcome some obstacles from the past year and I was excited to come home to a peaceful home as an adult. Ya know what they say about when you assume, you only make an ass out of yourself and them... I am really good at making an ass out of myself.

I am so confused. Since last year when I moved out to Reno I thought my parents and I were on the upside of things. I thought we had finally moved on from the fact that I wasn't 12 and I could think for myself and I wouldn't die without my parents with me each step of life. Well as my dad so lovely laid out today, in his eyes I haven't made much progress. (BTW, what the hell am I exactly progressing to?! I am 21, so I didn't know if that meant something or not but apparently it doesn't so if it doesn't mean anything what the hell am I striving for...? yeahhh, fuck it.) I thought that when my parents said I didn't have to get a job, I didn't have to get a job, ops. Well I was supposed to read in between the lines where they were more like "we strongly advise you to get a job, but you need to figure that out on your own" I am really done playing games trying to figure out what exactly my parents want and don't want. They say one thing and mean another. I can't express myself but yet at the same time I can but only in certain ways. What's the point of expressing myself if the way I express myself is not allowed?

I really should have known better. I should have known it would have been a trick. Now, I have to live with the consequences. Not that this is anything new to me but I just thought my this time I'd be done with it. I think I have finally come to the realization that it isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I am slightly hopefully that this will end when I get married but Lord knows when that would ever happen. As much as my parents guilt trip me about staying close to them, if things keep up the way they are now, there is no way in hell I'd be around them.

I just love how my dad is so good with words that anything you say you are going to sound dumb, immature, and feel like whatever you say is not enough or worth a damn. I can't his augments. I know that no matter what I say, it wont make a difference. The biggest thing I have going for me now is not breaking down in tears and keeping eye contact when he stares at me. I do have self confidence and I don't make decisions just for the hell of it. I do think things out and so when he looks at me like I have no brain, I can stare back because I have what it takes. I know I will make it in life and I will not let him or anyone else take away my worth with his opinions on how my life should be run.

There is a sliver lining to this all...right? I always can see the silver lining, I know that its around here somewhere... I will find it, I have to find it.

Thats what friends are for

I love how God brings people together. He knows just what we need and when we need it. He see us where we are and hears our hearts cry, whether we actually tell Him or not. It's awesome to look back on my life and see where God has moved on and in at a certain time. Just when I thought I had it under control or thought I didn't need him, He moved in my life to see His hand in things.

I always use to pray that God would give me good friends. I never felt like He heard my cry. All through out high school all I wanted God to do was give me a friend. A good Christian friend. I never got a good close best friend until I hit college. She and I were friends but then became best friends when I needed a girlfriend more than anything after the break up with my bf. Rachel Farlow and I are still best friends. She is an awesome friend who always encourages me to go deeper in what the Father has for me. No matter where in the world, literally, we are we still keep in touch and always pick right back up where we left off. She's a blessing from God.

This time God blessed me even when I didn't think I needed a friend. I moved to KC in august and I thought I could do life without friends. I had my roommates who I interacted with everyday and I thought that would be enough for me to breeze through a year here. I didn't want to stay because I just didn't like anything about life here. Well you know God and how He has different plans for our lives. I didn't want to get to know my D-group leader at all. I wanted to stay reserved and just keep to myself. Ahahaha now months later she is my best friend at IHOP. It's funny how God changes things around on us. It's awesome. Once again God has answered my prayers again even when I wasn't thinkin. He's given me a friend who I know will be there for me. She is my sister in Christ. She is the best and I am so lucky to have her in my life. I love it when God gives me blessings :)

Even though I didn't really have a close family growing up through high school, my sister was always there. We didn't talk that much and see each other really often but we still had a close relationship. I couldn't have asked for a better sister and friend. I love my sister so much because not only are we blood related but also have a close friendship. It's awesome to have someone who has known you since birth and talk about everything. I thank God everyday for my family and what we have become today. Through the thick and thin we've made it out alive. Praise God.

100!!!!

Today is the 100th post on my blog!! WHOOHOOO!! Oh yeahhh!

Since this blog is the special one, I wanted to talk bout what all has happened since I started my blog, quick recap ;)

I've graduated high school. I've been to New York City to San Francisco. I got a new car. I've been in 3 different school for college. I've gotten a tattoo and a nose piercing. I had a serious boyfriend and thought I was gunna get married (Praise Jesus I got out of that one). I've grown my hair out past my boobs and then chopped it all off and colored it red. I've reconnected with my grandparents and family. I've become an aunt times 3. I've lived at two different addresses. I've been unemployed for most of the time. I've turned 21. I've had a painted room for the 1st time ever.

Anddddd lots of other firsts but we'll just leave those in the past where they belong. But needless to say, I've changed a lot in the past few years. I am more happy today than I ever have been. Jesus is awesome and life is great.

Family

I feel like I repeat myself alot on my blog. I feel like I write about the same stuff over and over again with just a lil different take on things. Lame.

Meh. I only have a few more days before thanksgiving break!! :D I am pumped to be back home around my family for a few days. It's funny cause I never thought I would be happy to go back to LA but since my parents and I can actually have conversations I do wanna talk with them and let them hear my heart. I can trust that they wont hurt me when I open up to them about my life and whats goin on. I love my parents.

Can I just say that my grandma is awesome? I don't really know her that well sadly, but she has sent me two text messages this past week about jobs. She said that they miss me desperately and want me to move back home. It warmed my heart to see she still cares even though she and I don't really have a relationship.

I can't really dwell on the fact that I don't know my grandparents that much otherwise I begin to lose it and start crying and what not, lol. I am really upset that I never got to grow up with my grandparents. I feel so rob from knowing them and spending time with them. Some of my favorite memories are from spending time with my grandparents. At Christmas and thanksgiving we would always go to my grandparents house and have a big lunch even though with all our families we barely fit. I always loved that my grandpa would make a skittle sandwich, have little debbie cakes mid morning, and a bite of pecan log right before bed. I hate that I am the age to start my own family and I feel like I barely know my own family. As a little girl that was what meant the most to me, family. I was always so proud that my family didn't have problems, we were a happy family. Then all hell broke lose and that dream shattered. Praise Jesus my family is put back together and still coming back together but it still has it's scars. All I pray for now is that by the time I get married our family will be put back enough that I can have all of my siblings there with their families without drama.

On a different note, I need to get back to being productive, lol. I need to work out, read, and stitch and stuff. I always feel so much better after I actually do stuff that needs to be done and I always feel better after I work out, I just cant actually get myself to work out....arg. lol Although, as much as I hate waking up for 6ams, I do feel like I get more done when I get up earlier and besides if I go to bed earlier and wake up earlier my life is less drama-filled because I go to bed before it even starts :) I am proud that I can say I am 21 and can wake up at 4:30 in the morning.

Let Go

I think its funny how God blesses us with other people when we least expect it. When you are just going about your day and then casually in the conversation God will come up and how He is touching and talking to them and it blesses you.

Today my roommate and I were talking about what we have been hearing in class and how we should stop holding on to everything so tightly and let God have it. When we let God have control everything works out for the best for everyone. She was talking about how she has let go of certain things in her life and then how God has blessed her even more so. Hearing her talk about her life made me look at my life and then I realized the same thing. God has given me so much more than I realized. I didn't see it at first because I was still hung up on the old stuff but now I can see that God has given me so much more now that I have let go and given Him room to grow in my life.

Now after seeing what He has done I wonder, what would my life look like if I approached everything with open hands, allowing God to have His way? I know that as Christians we say that God has control but we don't really mean, everything. It just makes me think about how life would be different living with open hands. Plus God has the best life for us anyway.

Wow, wasn't expecting that!

The beginning of last week was really hard for me. I was having a hard time really enjoying God and I was really struggling with why I was here at IHOP. I never felt like I fit in or had an amazing story to tell.

After keeping this to myself all week, I finally broke down and told one of my roommates. I am so glad I did. It brought so much freedom and I have been so blessed I wish I had done it sooner, lol. I told her everything about how I was so tired and just couldn't keep going. I needed help. She prayed for me and gave me some encouraging words and then the next day at the night worship service I had break through. I was just pacing and then all the sudden it hit me that God loves me and He has everything under control. I felt peace, joy, and love all over again. It was awesome!

Ever since then I have been on cloud nine! I keep gettin so pumped about God. Seriously, I can't contain myself. It just flows out of me. I love it but at the same time I have no control so it's a crazy feeling. AHH!! I just get so excited to Love my Heavenly Father and learn more about Him. It's an awesome feeling and I cant get enough. I also don't want it to leave. Every day I wake up I ask God for another out pouring of revelation.

God is amazing and all of the above. I just cant even put it into words how incredible he is! ahhh! yeah. lol

Life.

Sometimes it trips me out bout how real life feels sometimes or not real. Yes I know I sound a bit crazy but if you really stop and think about life. It just doesn’t seem real. The feelings of joy, sadness, peace, and love they just don’t seem real. I love it but at the same time I just don’t get enough of all that life has to offer.

Thank God that with Him I can experience more of life to the fullest. He was the one who created life and therefore He would be the only one who can give us the feeling of satisfaction. I cant imagine actually enjoying life without Him in the center of it.

I cant even express how thankful I am to God for once again coming through with His amazing love. Just when I thought I couldn’t handle it anymore He came in and gave me peace about life. I know that He does come through but in the midst of trouble I still have a feeling of doubt. The best part is, is that I was already in a state of peace but I couldn’t feel it until I let it go. And the way I really let it go was by letting someone know so they could pray for me. I needed the encouragement. I needed the companionship from my sister in Christ. 

I think one of the most important things that I've learned here at IHOP is that prayer does make a difference. With everything that comes at me in life, it will never be too big for God and nothing that prayer wont help. I am really glad God has shown me things and now that I have stopped complaining I can actually see the growth. Not that it is any easier than it was before, but for today I can enjoy the gifts that I have been given with a light and joyful heart. Everyday is a battle but I know I can conquer it and therefor I have hope. 

Throughout everything I will never stop giving thanks to God even for the littlest things. God has blessed me more than I could ever imagine. Honesty saying thanks for things throughout my day is the least I can do. Also if I am always saying thanks it leaves little room to have a complaining attitude about things.

Nothing particularly passionate

I don’t really have a big rant or anything to go on but life as a whole hasn’t been that bad. Just a really tiring week. I feel like I haven’t slept at all this week but really I have gone to bed at the same time and gotten up at the same time so I would figure my body would be used to the time schedule buttttt apparently not considering I am still super tired. Lol

I am super pumped though! My sister is comin in today and will be here for the weekend. She’s amazing and I miss her lots! Lol I never know exactly what we are going to do when we are together but whatever we do I know that we are going to have a blast and make memories, some good and some bad, but either way memories. Lol

Well I found out how much my tattoo would be and now I can kinda let the idea die for a lil while. I don’t have the money andddd don’t see me having that kind of money to blow on a tat anytime soon, lol. Sad but good I guess, gives me more time to tweak it.

I miss doing worship. I miss the Reno Vineyard worship team. I miss the youth kids. I miss my niece and nephew.

I had baby fever the past week and then I babysat two lil girls under the age of 3 and it cured it! Yay! :D hahahah don’t get me wrong I love kids but I just forget how much time and effort goes into caring for kids. I am not ready to give up my life to raising kids yet. Plus I am not having kids until Im married and that for sure isn’t happening anytime soon hahahah! 

I do look forward to having my own house and own house rules. Its really hard for me not to get all bent outta shape when my roommates don't do things the way I have always known.  The kitchen is a war zone in our house! lol Its okay though, I just get to practice my love for others and selflessness. (Smile.) Everyday I have to just suck it up and rewash the pots because girls don't know how to clean pots... orrr how I have to clean the bathroom sink because the girl doesn't know how to spit in the sink instead of all over the counter and faucets... Love. Love. Love. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? We'll see...

Wow...

I don’t really know what to say. I just heard so many amazing things this morning within a short conversation with a friend. It just made my whole week and my heart so happy.

This guy I’ve been through heven and hell with told me that if it wasn’t for me, he’d probably be in jail. He said that even when he lost his way and couldn’t hear from God he would listen to me. I am almost in tears just from those few words. All the times I wanted to give up and kick him to the curb like everyone else in his life I knew I couldn’t give up. I knew I had to give him time and not for me but for his sake.

I am so thankful that God allowed me to hear those words this morning. Its such an answer to prayer. It also really helps me deal with the whole wanting revenge thing. I cant see how in any way shape or form how revenge is up lifting. Ah I am blessed right now. I just love it! I wanna give him the biggest hug in the whole wide world. Best part is that right at the end he told me that he loved me, lol not like LOVE love you but like deep friendship love. But I always used to make him say it and then I just stopped and now he voluntarily said it. :D it just makes me so happy. 

I kinda dont really know what to do or say right now lol I am so shocked. I just couldn't help but thank God for answered prayers. He even told me that he has been reading the bible at work and its helped him in so many areas of his life already. I am just so beyond happy right now. And God is the one who has done everything. Its just so awesome that I get to be apart of someones life transform by the power of God. 

Wow.

Im doin this

I assume that every musician out there in the world wants to write his or her own song for the world. Well I never really wanted to write my own songs. I think thats partially due to the fact I never viewed myself as a creative or artistic.

Well this week I've been thinking bout all my friends who play and sing their songs. They aren't hard songs, I mean really what is a song? A few words that describe how you feel. I basically do blogging for that reason. Putting how I feel down in words, so how hard can a song be?

I have been writing down some ideas of the direction I wanna go in with songs butttttt still very preliminary. lol I believe God will help me with the music and what not to make them super awesome and if I never get famous from it or anything I will at least believe a lil more in myself because I created art. 

So hopefully sometime soon I will have a few songs, lol I don't know if I'll play them on the piano orrrrr guitar, hahaha I would love to play them on the guitar but I dont even know how to play the guitar hahahah! But that will not stop me. I will play a song on the guitar one way or another.

Bad day blog

Just be for warned. I am about to unload a ton of stuff and I cant promise its gunna be pretty. So continue at your own risk.


So the bad day was actually yesterday. It really kinda started two days ago but yesterday as a whole was just bad. So I've been thinking about writing a song or two just about my life (more just write it out in kinda poem-ish form) Well yesterday during prayer room time I began to have to tell myself how pretty God has made me and believe all the truths that just last week had me ecstatic. I hated that I was once again dealing with all the lies from the devil saying I wasn't worth it for any guy and that I would never get a great guy so I had to settle. We didn't have that long in the prayer room yesterday and of course of all days I needed to be there the longest and it was the shortest time we've ever had.

During class Allen Hood was talking about the intimacy of Jesus. I loved it and was really enjoying it and then all the sudden all I could think about was writing down some song lyrics. So I began to write and the whole time I was remembering all the hurt and pain from all the guys in the past and how all I really wanted was justice. I wanted them to say they were sorry. I wanted them to realize they hurt me. Then I was reminded of the verse Luke 18:3 "Grant me victory over my adversary" So I was like okay God. I need victory over this area of my life. Not that they actually have to say their sorry but I need you to give me the victory in my heart. I need this issue gone and I need your help to do that.

Sooooooo like the lovely IDIOT that I am texted one of past guys. I was talking to him and I was trying so hard not to act like I had a chip on my shoulder but I couldn't help it. But gotta love stupid boys, he didnt even realize it. Anyways, so I asked him about a girl I knew he was "talking" too and he came up with this bullshit sarcastic fucking story. Obviously, I grew furious, then pissed at myself then I started to cry. I knew I shouldn't have butttttt I couldn't help it. I just hadddd to talk to him.

My amazing roommates, who I spilled everything too, began to encourage me and just lift me up. They helped me get back up and realize how much of a jerk he was and how I get to look forward to the most amazing guy in the whole wide world because God is going to give His daughter the best.

After sleeping on it, I think texting him wasn't the worst thing, I've ever done. (Me trying to see the silver lining in everything) God showed me that I need His help and I need to listen to His voice very carefully. If I don't I'm gunna get hurt. God will bring restoration. I believe that I will have freedom in this area of my life and I am not gunna be ruled by this anymore. I will have VICTORY.


Ps. The blog wasn't as bad as I thought it would be hahaha

It still amazes me

I think a really beneficial thing to learn in life is that God is constantly blessing us. The thing to realize is that we see His hand in it all. I can go about my day and have things happen one after another to the point where I can go to the zoo, gas station, and out to eat and never pay a dime out of my own pocket but never realize that God was providing the whole time. I could just say wow, that was random and go about my life and never stop to thank God. I want to change that. I don't want to just go about my life and never stop and take the time to thank Jesus for His hand in my life. God is constantly blessing us in our lives and I think we should take more time to thank Him.

It doesn't have to be money. He could simply bless us by the weather having a gentle breeze, or a really good parking spot at a super busy time at Wal-mart. I think we should take a step back and really begin to thank God for everything He has done for us. The little things matter as well. I just never want to be unappreciative. I don't want to let things pass me and not realize God's hand in it. Obviously, God's hand is in everything that happens in our lives but still taking the time to actually acknowledge it I think makes a difference in our hearts, the people who witness it with us and God appreciates it as well.

Not only does it make a difference our lives, it also changes our perspective on things in life. If you are always looking at how God is blessing you then you tend to always look at the bright side of things. I'm not saying that you are always happy about the outcome at the moment but if nothing else you will see His hand in things after the fact, but we should always look at how He will bless us even when it doesn't look like a blessing. For example, say you missed your alarm, you're running late for work, you have to get gas and you run into this person at the gas station and they decide to pay for your gas. If you had gotten up on time you would have missed out on that blessing. So even though you are completely flustered and just so mad at yourself, you are blessed by God. It was His plan all along for you to be late that day. It was His timing. We need to stop trying to force things when really we need to let a lil slack out of the reins and let God began to lead us.

There's a reason

Since I've been at IHOP I haven't really made a huge effort to make friends or seek hanging out with people after class. I tend to just stick to myself and that's it. At times I feel like IHOP is like college in the sense that I don't hang out with people outside of class. But it definitely doesn't feel like college by the way classes and stuff are run. So from time to time it trips me out.

Anyway, so this week just out of the blue I have been asked to hangout with friends or invited with my roommates to hang out with their friends. Well I have forgotten how young the majority of people are here. Sometimes you can't tell but then other times you CAN tell. So yeah, I don't really know how I feel about hanging out with kids who have never left their parents home or are just really young and immature. I don't know. Maybe I just really don't want friends here because that means another set of friends. I just don't feel the connection with people here all the time and then I'm not really the one to make plans with people I don't know. I guess you would call me shy in that area.

Maybe just from being in Reno and hanging out with people who at least 25 spoiled me and I don't particularly enjoy the silliness from people who are just out of high school. I always feel like I have to babysit them because they make such dumb decisions without realizing the implications. Im not trying to say that I am better than people younger than me, it's just that I don't want to spend my free time with silly young conversations. The girls that sit around me are older and I enjoy talking with them but still like I said, I don't start up "hang out" times outside of class.

I mean really just being honest. I really like being alone. Going home not having anything to do. I like having the time to play piano, read, stitch or whatever. I will always have something to do when I get back to school and work and stuff. I want to enjoy the time I have to myself. I don't think I will be here long term so I should be taking advantage of the time I have now.

So yeahhhh I don't think I will being saying yes to every thing my roommates want to do. Not that I want to be antisocial, I just want my alone time. I have been blessed with this time and I don't want to look back and say I wish I would have just taken the time to focus on myself to cultivate what God is doing in me now.

God is so awesome!

This weekend has been one of the best weekend of my life for so many reasons. God has shown himself faithful. From the beginning of last week I could just feel his hand of protection on my life. Not to mention the gifts and blessings I have received. The best part is that I didn't even recognize the blessings until later after the fact. I am just amazed, how cool is God? lol. He is so amazing!

This weekend I have been able to spend time with my family and it's been such a great growing time. My sister and I got to talk about things over a beer haha so awesome and my parents and I got to have long talks in the car trips. It was just awesome to talk about what God is actually doin and really take a look at the past few months and months to come as well.

Ya know it's funny but I really loved being back in LA. I don't know what made the difference this time but it was comfortable this time. (Sadly I don't know exactly how I felt about being back in the church) But ya know I think God has shown me that living back at home with my parents may not be the worst thing that could happen. As my super smart sister pointed out about how much I love Reno and how I want to go back, she said that really Reno was just an opportunity to prove that I can go somewhere and make a place for myself. I had to make my own way and that's what Reno is.

I love Reno so much! I really do want to go back. But realistically I don't think I can go back right away. I need to make some money and get an education. That's not cheap nor easy in Reno. I could live at home for a few years knock out school and work to save some money then I could go back with some money to relax.

Hell I don't know where I'll be in a year but I think more than anything I should be open to where God leads me. I think that if I am to move back to LA even though as much as I would love to move back to Reno more than anything I need to be thankful and happy and blessed to be where God places me. I've learned that I am young and I have my whole life to live. I have so much time to live where ever! I love it!

Wow.

First of all I would like to point out the fact that Jesus is coming back soon. I know this because I never read and even when I need to read for school I barely read enough to get by and its just really hard for me to read. I hate it and it's always been difficult for me. Well, in the past 2 months I have read 2 books for school and finished a book I started last year in one day, which was about 100 pages, andddd I just started my second book for fun. Not to mention I have another book for school I need to start soon as well. Sooooo I've been reading alot so therefor I know Jesus is coming back because I never read. lol AND I am enjoying reading! WHAT?! Yeahhhh it's weird and crazy....lol

So I've been reading Captivating, the book I've been meaning to read for about a year now but never started. I wanna punch myself in the face for not reading the book sooner. It's so intriguing. I love reading every part of it. I get so excited because every time I read something about how woman think or view themselves about things, I am saying "YEAH! Thats me!" Sadly they are not particularly high points when I point those out but the fact is that I am learning why I think that way and how to change the view I have of myself to the view God has of me. It's probably THE best book I've ever read, lol besides the bible obviously. I am like damn. Why didn't I read this when I was in high school? It would have helped butttt then I think back on how I viewed things in life in high school and the words on the page probably wouldn't have done a thing. It breaks my heart to hear about all the different stories in the book. I am becoming more and more thankful of the life I had. Not that I had the best but I wasn't sexually or physically abused that left me scarred from the touch of a man.

My heart's desire is that I would be able to relay the message to high school girls. I know that they may not do anything different but if they hear it and make it real in their life when they get older or into something they will know the Fathers love for them. I just pray that one day I would have the influence on a girl in high school that way she has one, someone to talk to and two that she can be encouraged. I had that for my first year of high school and i was strong and made it through but the rest of them I never could connect with anyone and had no support. I think I would have made some different choices if I had someone walking with me through the different times in high school.

And here I am again thankful I am in a place that I can pray every day for people in a different state 800 miles away. I can pray for them before they wake up, I can pray that God is with them through out their day and I know in my heart that God hears my prayers and is answering them for me. I am preparing a way for them that the road will be easier. I am glad that in this time in my life I get to pray for them and they don't even know it. I know I am not there and I miss them all so much but I am still working for them on their behalf. I am fighting for them in prayer.

I guess I can finally say that I don't hate it as much as I thought. It's funny cause one of my leaders today said that if you don't give up, you win. You just have to keep goin, doesn't mean you have to be running everyday, you just have to keep walking and don't stop. I am not stopping. Its not fun nor easy but I am still walking and will continue walking.

I get a lil bit stronger

So I know lately I have been ranting about how I am unhappy bout being here and I cant wait to go back to Reno. Well I know in my heart that I am here for something in specific. Today I think I might have figured out why, as simple and obvious it may seem to me I didn't even think about how simple it is hahaha buttttt I think it would be so I would learn to pray more. Yeah I know yall are all probably laughing and saying ahhh duh Holly, you are at a school where they pray 24/7... hahahha shut uppp... But yeah no I was pacing and it hit me. Holly, everything is birthed out of prayer. If I want a break though, a new song, God to intervine in a big way, I need to pray now. I have no idea how long it will take but God will work and answer my prayers. All I need to worry about it praying for things now. Whatever is in my heart I need to pray for it now. God hears my prayers and will not let one go unanswered. Ah okayy seeee now that I have that mindset it makes everything so much easier. Also now I also realize that a prayer doesn't have to 5 hours long, it could be a 3 second shout out to God and He hears them. He works in the little two second prayers just as much as He works through the 10 minute prayers on the mic.

 Seriously how cool is God? I mean I know but really? Think about it. First of all He created everythinggg! He sent His ONLY son to die on a cross for our sins, even for us who weren't even born, thousands of years in advance. Then He sent His spirit to reveal God's secrets so we can make it through life on earth.

I feel like I am bipolar sometimes on my blog. hahaha I will go from one extreme to the other. Blah whatever! God is cool. Life is awesome because I will choose to see the upside of things. Life is too short to whine, complain, and mope around bout how things aren't how I want it, when I am living a life for God. Sooooo anyways. yeah. lol    :)

On the Upside

Yesterday during the morning set on of the guys when on a profetic song and it was totally for me, or atleast it felt like it to me. The words were just what I needed to hear. I have been having a really hard time here. I feel so tired, emotional, spiritual, and mental. I am done for the day at noon but by then my brain has been fried from so much intensity from class and the prayer room for 3 hours. I know that in the end, I will look back on this season and be very thankful I went but right now I want to give up. I want to move back to my home, Reno. I know things wont be the same but I miss it. I can't stop thinking that God gave me a chance to be there and I blew it off. But then again me being here at IHOP could be part of my plan in Reno. Maybe God sent me here to began my preparation of being an intercessor for Reno and develop more of Him to share with others and be a stronger christian. For what ever reason I am here, I am trying hard to keep my eyes focused on my time here. I have had too many experiences where I just do what I can to get through it and I miss opportunities. I may not be the happiest here but I do know that I can learn things through this. I want to get what I can for the short period of time I am going to be here. It's hard sometimes not getting bitter about missing things going on in my friends lives back in Reno and in Louisiana. My brother is playing LSU football and the youth group is really bonding together and I'm not apart of them. God's hand is in everything and I am not giving up on what God has called me to.

The words that keep repeating over and over again in my head is "Don't doubt in the dark what you heard in the light" I feel like I am in a time of darkness but I am not letting go of what God has said about my life. Also I know that what I pray for God will answer. I am contending for certain things in my life and I know they will come to pass if I don't stop praying and believing for more of Him.

Here's basically what the song that the guy sang yesterday.

Do you remember when you believed that the sound of your voice mattered to me?

Do you remembered when you believed that you moved my heart?

I remember. I set you as a watchmen. I remember that I called you out of confusion and I set you on the wall and I gave you a vision to minister to a holy God.

Do you remember? Do you remember? When you believed in the sound of your voice mattered to me.

Do you remember when you felt the urgency of the hour?

When I called you to hasten the hour, come Lord Jesus

You thought the season had changed, that the grace had lifted but the truth is that when confronted with your barrenness you ran away. 

Get back on the wall. 

That same vision, I am setting it before you, get back on the wall. 

I am about to shake everything that can be shaken.

I wanna share my secrets of the nations. I wanna teach you how to partner with me. 

There’s grace.

Your voice makes a difference. I move at the sound of your voice. 

On another note, I am SO pumped about going to an LSU game. Seriously I get so excited everytime I think about the awesome time I am going to have hahaha I get like this ridiculous smile all over my face ahhaha I am lame. ha. whatever! anddddd I miss my sister. I am sad this weekend is going to be so short buttttt she is coming out in a couple of weeks soooooo that makes it bearable hahaha

More of a vent than anything

So....I realllyyyy don't like living with 18 year olds. They are young and immature. Like seriously, I do know some things considering I have already lived a year without my parents not to mention I was 2000 miles away. I know you had family problems, who doesn't? Okay yours may seem like the worst but news flash hon, there are other people in the world. The world is not going to stop just cause you don't know how to get along with people. (I have a feeling this is going to be a very rude awakening for her) UGH! And I swear if you talk back to me one more time, I will back hand you. AND DEAR JESUS, Don't sling water all over the kitchen when you strain your food. Gah! Oh and please don't clean up after you use 5 pots. yeah no big deal. It's really hard for me to be nice when anytime I tell you something because you aren't doing it right after you asked me to tell you what to do you just do it yourself and then get upset with me cause it didnt turn out right. No Shit Sherlock. If ya woulda listened to me the FIRST time it would have worked. Geeze.

Sorry bout that but it's really annoying and I can't really talk to anyone bout it since I'm around her all the time... yeahhh I also come up with reasons for me to drive cause every time I get in the car with her I feel like I am about to die. So my gas bill will be going up sadly.

Anyways. I really miss being in Reno. I miss my church family there, I miss my brother and his family. I just miss everything about Reno. I seriously have to be careful to not think about it too much otherwise I get really sad almost depressed like. haha Not really depressed but my heart really hurts. Everything about the fall reminds me of Reno and starting over in life. I really want to go back. Ugh. The worst part is that I want to move back there but I know my parents aren't going to happy about that because they hate being that far away. I love my parents so much but I love my life in Reno. I hate that all I can do is pray because I am the type of person to see things actually happen. Praying I know things are happening but I just don't know what exactly. I know God has everything under control but I just wish I could see things better.

It's kinda been a long weekend and I am really super excited about going to LA this weekend. I am so pumped about going to an LSU game and spending time with my brother and sister. It's going to be a rushed weekend but it'll be a good refresher I pray.

I am very proud of myself though. I finally finished the book I started last year and I finished the book for school this past weekend. I am starting my new book today andddd I am planning to finish my cross stitch project by Christmas, which I started bout 2 years ago, lol.

I think I wanna get a new tattoo. What, where and when, idk cause I don't really have the money but yeahhhh I want a new one soonish ahahha

I could preach it

So this all just kind of spilled out of me during worship tonight. God just overwhelmed me with His beauty and how much we don't appreciate what His has created.


You don't get it

God and Jesus created the heavens and the earth. He created all of the billions of stars and all of the galaxies. He created mountains and valleys. But the greatest thing He every created was us, humans, made in His image. His image. Nothing else in the world is created in His likeness. We were created after Him.
You can go anywhere in Reno and look out on a mountain top and behold the beautiful created earth and all of it's ups and downs, greens and browns, man made and God made structures. We are fearfully made. God loves His creation and takes delight and pride in what He has created.

Think about if you created something. You would take pride in it and you would get upset when anyone looks down upon it or said negative things about it. God gets the same way when we think negative things about ourselves or others. How dare we say what God created wasn't good enough or beautiful?

God humbled himself so much to take on human form and come to Earth an deliver us from our sins. He endured pain, suffering, and death for us, sinners, and even those who were no where near being born! Thousands and thousands of years ago Jesus took away my sin. We obviously couldn't have done anything back then when he was on the Earth to ask Him to take my aim away why would we think we have to do anything special now? It's done. When He died, He said it is finished, meaning God took away our sin right at that moment.
All He asks is if that we would lay our life down for Him, just as He did for us. And the best part is that we don't even have to die. We get to live everyday even more to the greatest because we are never alone. Think about all the things you have missed out on because you felt alone. God is right there with us every step of the way. We don't have anything to fear.

The God who created EVERYTHING and gave us life by breathing into our lungs walks with us every day, and not just by our side but Inside of us!

Oooo! Don't forget that the same power Jesus used to raise the dead, heal the sick, give sight to the blind, and cast out demons we have in us as well. The moment we say "Yes" we also have that power.

Blessing

Okay so. A few days ago I was talking and walking into chapel at school. I was just chitchatting with one of my friends about how I wanna fill up my tank for my car but then how I would be broke for the next week and a half. I was just shooting the bull with her kinda thing and then all the sudden a girl turned around and gave me a 20 dollar bill. I was taken back and was almost like nah I dont need it. I couldnt stop thinking about it all day.

Today, as I was praying God told me that He gave me that as a gift of His love. I am His child. Why shouldn't I get gifts from Him? Then it struck me that I almost cheated myself out of His gift for me. I almost told the girl "no, I don't really need it." When actually I should be so grateful that God blessed me. I don't "need" money but I could always use a helping hand here and there. Just because I am covered for all my expenses doesn't mean God cant bless me. God doesn't want to just believe that He will see us through it but that He will bless us beyond what we need.

I always used to be the one who would take care of everyone else. No one ever paid for my gas, paid for my food, or paid for my movie. I should be thankful that not only did I get some extra money but that it was from My Heavenly Father, who loves me. I have never been blessed in a monetary way before and it was a very humbling experience. I am so thankful for God's blessing but yet at the same time it reminded me that I am Gods beloved daughter who delights in me and wants to bless me.

I love my Abba Father. I know it kinda sounds silly but it really meant a lot to me.

More now than ever

I think it's kind of odd but it seems like I have more questions and unanswered prayers now that I am actually praying and learning more about God each day. It's really annoying, lol. I feel like my heart is going to explode with all of the different emotions that are goin on. I feel such overwhelming joy and then my heart is broken with what is goin on in Reno and then I think about all the great things that I could do in Reno after I leave here. I don't know, I just feel like an emotional roller coaster sometimes even though I am talking with God everyday.

UGH! I hate being a girl and I hate that I over analyze everything!! Sometimes I wish I had the personality where I didn't have to plan everything about my life. I love that I have the ability that I can but sometimes I feel like its a hindrance, but then again if I had the complete opposite I would probably wish I had my personality now. Basically it's a lose-lose, lol.

I don't know maybe I am just impatient. Or I just need a break through and I am not seeking it out hard enough.

I just needed to let some things out. I can't just keep them all in my head or I literally will go crazy! hahaha

Back and forth

Okay. So I have been goin back and forth over this in my head all day long. I have been thinking over and over about it so much that I have no idea which way is right.

Alright so God says that He will give us the desires of our heart, right? Well what if I want a really sexy, handsome, buff guy for my husband? I have never had the luck of getting the attention of any attractive guys ever in my life so I am beginning to think that I am going to have one of those guys that I only find attractive, which isn't bad, just sayin. But then I think that I am thinking less of myself and limiting what God can do. And then I go back to thinking well the guys that aren't the best looking need wives too and since I haven't had the best of luck with the attractiveness side of guys, maybe I am one of those woman that marries the guy that no one else finds attractive. Which if is true, I know I won't have to worry about my friends stealing my husband away from me, lol.

I'm not trying to think less of myself by any means and I'm not just trying to be realistic. If I end up with a guy that I only find attractive great, but I just wonder if I should have hope of a guy that is SUPER sexy and what not, ya know?

I don't know, maybe it's just me being a hopeless romantic but it's annoying. I am questioning myself because for so long I believed I would never catch the eye of an attractive guy, but now I'm wondering if that's just because of my low self esteem. Do you see my problem? lol ARG!

THEN! I have a whole other problem about how I really like a guy and I really wish things would work between us but I don't know. It's a desire of my heart but if it's not God's plan than it wont work out and I just pray that God would settle my heart of the feelings... I don't like this place I am in.

I just really want some clear answers. :(

Just prayin...

So. I still really miss and love Reno. I don't know if that's a passion in my heart from God or my own feelings. Either way I am praying for Reno. It's hard to pray for them some times because i feel selfish in my prayers but I know that God still knows and hears my heart and whether they are selfish or from His heart my prayers are heard. Allen Hood spoke in my class this week and said that prayers are simply what God tells us to tell Him. It's what He wants to hear but the things is, is that He wants us to say it. He wants us to actually lift up prayers to Him. We have power in our words and each time we pray we are exercising that authority.

So today a plane crashed into a stadium and injured as well as killed people in Reno. When I heard the news my heart immediately dropped to my stomach. I couldn't do anything but prayer for everyone there and people who were impacted by the crash. All I can think about when I think of Reno is how dry the land is there, spiritually and physically. The land is hardened and dry. The have some much corruption throughout the city and surrounding area. The fact they have legalized prostitution is unbelievable to me. The more and more I actually think about it, it breaks my heart and makes me cry out even more for the women who are in it.

I find it interesting that once I have left I begin to have a heart for Reno and the people there. Which brings me to my dilemma...Am I called to be a light in Reno and really make a difference or is my heart just missing home?

A lot of things began to change in my life while I lived in Reno. Dreams were awoken again, the scales were peeled away and I began to see who I am in Christ, as well as being my own creation in Christ rather than who everyone else told me who I was. I am not forcing things that aren't supposed to fit together but I could go back to Reno and get a job and work with the church. I just really wanna go back to Reno and make a difference. But if God isn't calling me there then I don't wanna go but I am praying that He would FLING open doors if I am to go back.

I miss it so much. I don't know if that's because it was my home or if I am just missing my life that I had their with my friends, or the relationship I had with my brother and his family. On a side note, saying goodbye to my brother and his family was a really hard goodbye. So I am prayin every day for Reno and for God to show me why exactly or if I am just supposed to pray for the land and that's it.

SO annoyed!

So maybe I am completely wrong but I really hate when everyone tells me "I need to just enjoy being single, and not focus on guys" WTF?! I am a girl. How am I not supposed to have crushes or "like" someone? I am sorry I am wired and I like guys. But I shouldn't be looked like a flousey because of it. Yeah I look like I like guys more than my other girl friends because two of them have had bf for years, and another has only been single a year but yet has had her eye the whole time, and another has a weird relationship whether she admits it or not with a guy she's known for years. So I on the other hand like a two different guys within one year andddd I get looked like I just go from guy to guy. Greaattt. Thanks guys. I just get so pissed because then I start thinking that I can't like a guy or tell my friends about it because if it doesn't work out then I just get the look ("you should just enjoy being single"). How do you know I am not enjoying being single?! I am! But I would also like to not be single. Yes I know that being in a relationship is a lot of work and takes time. Just because right now I don't have "time" for a relationship doesn't mean I can't like a guy. UGH! I just hate that I can't do anything to change my reputation because its who I am. Seriously, the one thing you could say to me and piss me off is "So who's the guy this week?" Really? REALLY?! GAH!

THEN, when I do like a guy and I don't tell my friends they get all bent outta wack. Im like well I cant win even if I wanted too. I tell em and they just sit there and smile but the whole time in their head they are like yeahhhh its just another guy on her list that isnt goin to work out. Thanks guys really, I appreciate your sympathy.

And lets not get even get started on the fact of that I never pick guys that are even worth my time. I suck at choosing which guys to like. Which so many people has obviously laid out for me more than once.

Like I said maybe I am wrong. Maybe everyone else is right. Maybe I do like too many guys. But i am sorry that I have issues. I can't help the fact that I like a guy and besides what are friends for if i cant tell them about my crushes. Is the problem that I think about possiblities if I entered a long term relationship with the guy? How is that a problem? I don't understand how looking ahead and seeing if it could actually work, if I would be happy, and what not.

Thanks to my friends who have pointed that out oh so clearly, I apparently have issues I have to deal with.

Who Am I Living For?

I love the lyrics to this song. I think that the funny part is that Katy Perry wrote it. lol Anyways, I just love this song as an encouragement to me in hard times.


I can feel a phoenix inside of me
As I march alone to a different beat
Slowly swallowing down my fear, yeah yeah

I am ready for the road less traveled
Suiting up for my crowning battle
This test is my own cross to bare
But I will get there

It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called
Standing on the frontline when the box starts to fall
I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames
Calling out my name

I can see the writing on the wall
I can't ignore this war
At the end of it all
Who am I living for?

I can feel this lightness inside of me
Growing fast into a bolt of lightning
I know one spark will shock the world, yeah yeah

So I pray for a favour like Esther
I need your strength to handle the pressure
I know there will be sacrifice
But that's the price

It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called
Standing on the frontline when the bomb starts to fall
I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames
Calling out my name

I can see the writing on the wall
I can't ignore this war
At the eh-end of it all
Who am I living for?

Heavy is the head that wears the crown
Don't let the greatness get you down
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
Don't let the greatness get you down, oh, oh yeah

At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?

Sisters are so great!

Um..so this blog is dedicated to my sister. She is so awesome!

I had one of the best conversations with her today. I was so glad that I could have a difficult conversation and just have someone love me rather than judge, punish, or shut me down. The best part is, is that she encouraged me. Which is just what I needed. I needed someone to reassure me that I not only still had worth but had worth to God also. It was a very needed conversation in my healing process. It was just good to talk about it with a person and have dialog. I've been talking with God and it has been so INCREDIBLY helpful. I can confidently say that I ran to God in my time of trouble with arms wide open and willing for Him to touch me. All I wanted was for Him to touch me and heal my wounded heart.

One of the things my sister reminded me of was that I can be selfish and take time to spend with just God and me. I can say no to people and not return phone calls or texts. I won't get this chance again where all I have to worry about is myself and my walk with Him.

Its getting better

I think its soooo funny! I barely got 5 hours of sleep last night and I am the most awake I have ever been in the prayer room. Ive been so productive, lol. I studied, I wrote in my prayer journal andddd yeah. lol

I skyped with Nicole til 11:45 last night. It was 3 hours long. hahaha I think its funny cause she was like lets skype for a lil bit andddd it turned into 3 hours long anddd we have a coffee skype date after class today :D I've missed her so much. It sucks too cause she's having a hard time right now. I love her family anddd her family ADORES me ahhahaha It makes my heart so happy. lol She said her dad and grampa ask about me all the time and want me to come back and have Friday night dinners with them at the Basque restaurant, which I miss SOOO much lol. Omg... her lil nephews who are 3 and 5 ask about me too... How sweet is that?! They "fake" called me the other day... aww it just makes me so feel so loved. lol AND the fact that my sis in law said that my nephew looks for me too, GAH! I just wanna cry! hahaha ahhhh I miss my nephew so much!

I think that this whole time I am here at IHOP (which I hope is only a year, lol) its a time to get some training so I can go back to Reno and shake some things up for the kingdom. I think its kinda interesting but when I am here all I can think about its the people back home who I wanna impact with God's love. I think God is going to grow a passion in my heart for more things of Him and in and for Reno. I am just looking forward more to the work that is to come after the training period. I am excited and I have hope to keep going.

Also. I need to start running or doing something for exersize (idk if thats spelt, right butttt the option it gives me to "correct" it is oversize anddd thats not the word im looking for) lol I think I'm gaining my weight back... :-/ blahhhh lameeee! lol I miss my golds gym.

Jammin'

So last night my roommates and I had a lil jam session. It was SOOOO much fun! Literally, we just sat around and played all different instruments. I started on the keys and then played bass. Amanda and Marilyn both played the piano, guitar, and bass. Abbie was actually doin her homework so she stayed playing on her electric. I had so much fun just goofing off playing different things here and there. It was also a really great learning experience because I havent played much with a band so it really helps me to stay on tempo. Ahhhh I cant wait til this weekend so we can play again. Also!!! I think Marilyn is gunna teach me guitar! WHOOP WHOOP! I'm so pumped. The best part was that I was actually pretty good at bass, ohhh yeahhh. hahahah I was just really excited that I know how to play something else beside a piano. Im proud of myself :)

Doubt. I hate you.

So I've decided that doubt is the worst thing in the world, at least to me right now anyways. lol I dont know why I even believe in it. I have confidence in myself and who I am. I hate it that right when I start speaking that I am fine being alone and I dont need friends at this moment all my friends I have I start to think they have forgotten about me. I know they havent, I know that they just get busy. The worst part is that most of my friends that I wanna talk with live two timezones away making it nearly impossible to communicate except over text because I go to bed so early. I miss my friends in Reno. I was talking to my roommates the other day (which are my friends, so i dont even know why i am like "I dont have any friends" cause its a lie in the first place) about how i love Reno soooo much because I dont have any bad memories there or any hurt. It was the safest, most freeing, and most fun time of my life. Of course I would wanna go back home, why not? I made memories of a lifetime there. With me missing Reno, I also keep thinking that I made a mistake by coming here. But at one point God did tell me yes or more or less no. I will see good and fruit come from this. I just cant see it right now. God is going to bless this time.

I'll give it a chance

Im still struggling with this whole ihop decision but I am trying to make the best of it. Im not saying I am gunna be happy go lucky all the time but I will actually make an effort to see the silver lining.

This is just what I wrote during worship last night, as you can tell I'm still learning how to deal and feel about everything here...

"The night isn't just when the sun isn't shining. The night is when you can't see the light ahead of you. When you think you've lost your way cause you can't see anything. When you feel like you've made a mistake.
 
God did make a way for me. He worked everything out. There were no deliberate stop signs. He confirmed it others hearts as well. At one point I had to decide whether or not this was something I wanted to do. I just need faith to trust and believe what he spoke to me months ago is still truth. This is for a short time. This too will pass. It's only the beginning and it will get better. God will see me through it just like anything else.
 
I should cherish the fact that I do get the opportunity to be in his presence so easily. Not that God isn't around all the time but it's a time where I don't have a ton of distractions.
 
Yes I realize that some people here are "brainwashed" to the fact that you shouldn't be of the world. I should congratulate them that they can make that decision and stick with it and impact the impact of heaven that way. But then I praise God that he gave me a heart to be in the world and make an impact for His glory and honor in the worldly settings. I am blessed that I can bring His love into the world."

The words of a song

"I believe you move at the sound of voice. You heard my cry and answered me. I love the lord for he heard my cry and he delivered me from my fears. You lifted me up higher and higher"- Song from Jay Thomas

I cant get enough!!

I LOVE music sooooo much! I could literally listen to it non stop for the rest of my life. I just think its so beautiful. It has a way of filling the room and changes things. I love how it doesn’t matter whats goin on but if begin to listen to music it will change things. Music is so amazing! I am so amazed by it I could just listen to music without lyrics. It has so much creativity.  

When I play I feel like I can accomplish anything in the world. Just cause I can play a few notes here and there on the piano. It's so weird how much satisfaction I get out of playing, whether its just the simplest song or the hardest song and took months to learn. 

Basically, I am just fascinated with music. lol

Prayer room ramblings

I still rustle with this whole thing of IHOP. I know that this is where im supposed to be but it still doesn’t make it any easier of doin it. My heart truly is in Reno. I just miss my friends and what God was doin in Reno. I don’t know what life here is goin to look like and I don’t want to have this huge major change in my life to the point of where I touch with the things that really go on in life. I know some may be called to a more radical lifestyle than mine. I think that if you are going to be part of the world and minister to the ones around you in the US you should be able to relate with them and talk to them about things that everyone would understand. I could be completely wrong but this is what I believe.

I dont get it sometimes. You would think it would make sense and I would get it logically but I don’t.

Working out babbyyyy

So this post is really just cause I am so proud of myself and not in a boastful way just in the fact that I didn't think I would ever be able to get so fit again.

I have been working out for the past month about 3 times a week and i can run on the elliptical for an hour on the resistance of 10 AND in Nevada which has higher elevation which means i have to work harder for oxygen hahahahha. But also I've been lifting weights to build upper body strength and that has been awesome too. I can tell I have built some muscle which I am SO pumped bout!!! Plus Ive also lost 8 pounds through all of this. Since living with nicole we have been eating pretty well, I think. lol I mean we get our protein in andddd veggies from salad andddd we dont really eat a whole lot of sweets. We mostly eat fish, shrimp, and onions. Ive also been biking which i never thought id do lol but really its fun and i like it. lol I really wanna bring my bike with me to Kansas City but idk how to get it home and what not... I could sell it for 40 bucks...but then id be out of a bike... :-/ and i really like biking

Im sad im moving because I just finally got into a work out routine. But the good thing is, is that my body wants to work out now so its almost like I crave it now. That's probably also cause I feel so great after working out and overall all the time I feel great :)

Ramblings BIG time

Alrighty, Imma jump right in it. I am attending the Forerunner Music Academy this fall. Which means I will be moving back to Louisiana around the middle of July and then moving up to Kansas City mid August. I am really excited to be moving for TONS of reasons. One I do get to go home for a lil bit before I move away again. I love Louisiana. I cant help it. I mean really the weather is the worst butttttt it still has captured my heart. Seriously though I love Reno. I cant even begin to explain how incredible living in Reno has been for me. Reno has helped me grow in so many areas of my life its been insane! There are so many people that have definitely left their mark on my life in a good way. Seriously I dont think I would have ever considering bein on a worship team if it hadnt have been for the AMAZING people out here.

I loved every minute being with my nephew and niece. I would have never thought I would have been able to be apart of their life like that. I learned so much from my sister in law and I actually got to have a relationship with my oldest brother something I thought I had lost forever. To be apart of my niece and nephews life means so much to me. I am so grateful that God allowed me to be in my brothers family life.

I have grown as a person from so many out here. My sister in law taught me how to believe in myself and how to communicate better. She has been such a blessing. I am so excited to continue our relationship even though we may not live close.

I've made a lifelong friend, Nicole. She has been one of my greatest friends God has ever blessed me with. I am so blessed to be apart of her life. She has taught me how to be a better person. She never gave up on me and even pushed me farther than I have ever been with music. She has the biggest heart Ive seen. She will always be apart of my heart wherever we live.

I need to get better

Okay so on the real, I know alot of people dont really read my blog but like ive said a million times, blogging makes me feel so much better. It gives me a chance to really just let go and talk/text away lol.

So life is..... Interesting. I have a chance to go to the IHOP school of Worship. Personally it would be the BEST thing that I ever did to really get on top of my music/worship life. It would be a time for me to spend ever waking moment in the presence of God. How awesome and incredible it would that be? It would be awesome opportunity to really take advantage and mold and allow God to shape what He has already put in my heart. The desires from Him. Reno gave me my dream back. It gave me a chance to hope and really believe that what God gave me wasn't a lost and hopeless dream. It was a chance for me to really think bout life again and truly have joy. If I left Reno I would be sad, but yet happy for a chance to really embrace the worshiper in me.

Really if I stop and think about if this is the "perfect" time to go, its never gunna be the perfect time to go. There is always something else that will be keeping where ever I am. If I wanna go, personally I think I should just go now and not hold anything back. I have thought bout everything under the sun and how everything would effect people around me.

I am planning on making my decision final by this the end of this week.

Stay tuned....

Sucess

Well the results from the first date was a success. It was actually kinda fun too, besides it being super awkward at first. lol He was a great guy atleast from what I got to learn from. I would not object to a second date. And on a side note. He has great shoulders andddd hes bout the perfect height. lol. Im not gettin all worked up but yes it was nice to have a convo with a guy who is a christian. It was nice to see that there are guys in the world left worth marrying. I mean obviously I dont know his life story and what not but he was a nice guy. I guess I would have to be kinda glad that my brother gave him my number. Anyways, there was no talk of a second date or anything so nothing may actually come of it but if not it was refreshing to know that there are guys still out there. lol

It's a first

Well tomorrow night is a big night for me... I have a blind "date". Its more of a meet and greet but still. I've never done this before. Thanks to my lovely big brother who gave my number a guy in his class, as in like one of his students. My brother gave him my number bout two weeks ago andddd yesterday he texted him. We had a short lil cute convo and are now planning to get together tomorrow night for coffee.

Im not really sure how to feel bout this. Im excited cause it sounds fun ahhh im nervous. Im just afraid its gunna go SUPER bad... But if it does, I'll just have a great story to add to my life story lol. From the short text convo we had it deosnt seem like it'll go too too bad but who knows well see.

WISH ME LUCK!!!

Cant stop believin

Okay well more like cant stop praying that God would bless me by allowing me to get a job at Apple. I don't think I've wanted anything more than a new job before. I love working and I love being at a place where the boss appropriates you. My heart literally aches when I have to go to work or i am working. I feel like a fake because I have to put on a smile and make everyone happy. In a weird kinda way it reminds me of myself when I was back in high school (this thought just hit me while I was typing). It reminds me of how I was always happy no matter what was goin on at my house. At school everyone knew me as the happy and chipper one and the one who always had a smile on her face. But deep down had issues. Dude I have issues with my job. I've tried to be the best that I could be and learn and work hard but it doesn't pay off. Personally, I think its a spiritual issue with my boss. I've had this same feeling before andddd its just nothing more than a spiritual issue. There may not be something that you can actually put your finger on but you just have an "thing" with someone.

On to a better note. Nicole and Nev are the sweetest people ever!! Seriously, I love them so much! They brought me dinner at work tonight. They brightened my sad day at work anddddd they brought me my favoritest food ever! TACOS and a diet dp!!!! I must admit I was not a bug fan of Carne Asada the first few times I had it but now ohhhhh mannnnn I could eat it every day for lunch and dinner. lol okay maybe that was a little extreme but they are just so damn GOOD! (darn just doesnt cover it) hahahaha!

I have to boast about myself for a lil bit. I made a 3.5 GPA this semester! WHOOP WHOOP!!! I am so pumped. That's the highest GPA I've had since I've started college. I just think its so great cause not only is it the highest I've had but it was also all done online and it was NOT easy. I had to work really hard. And a side note is that this semester I've had so much fun with my friend Nicole. Im just really excited that I can have fun, have a job, and still make good grades.

Not my fault

So basically I haven't been writing becauseeeee I have a new bestie. Shes basically pretty awesome andddd I couldn't thank God enough for her. We basically spend every day together. She's helped me grow as a person in so many ways, it just blows my mind. lol She is a God send. I love her so much! Sometimes I don't know what I would do without her. And the best part is is that she shoots me all the time andddd were still great friends. hahahhahaha! (for those who don't know shes a photographer lol)

Im done with school for the Spring semester. ANDDDD I finished with a 3.5!!! WOOHOO!!! Im really pumped cause it was not easy. Online classes was, in my opinion, harder than goin to classes. I had to read and teach myself all the information. But atleast now I can say "Ive been then and done that" lol even though I am taking another online class this summer. BUT Ive read reviews about the teacher online and it sounds good. So im not worried about it.

I had an interview with apple today! I am in love. I'm praying everyday that I get that job. I think my heart might explode with excitement if I did. hahaha I seriously feel like that the apple store is where I am supposed to be. Part of their motto is that they are "People people". I love people. Not only are they a great company to work for but they also help and train you to grow and be something more. As the company grows they want to see their employees grow as well. I really just think it would be AN INCREDIBLE place to work.

I have a small confession. I am in need of a trip to LA. There is just something about that place that keeps pulling ya back in. lol Besides the fact that its warm and beautiful right now as opposed to it freezing here in NV. I think its even supposed to snow this week. REALLY?! Snow in MAY?!! Argh. Imma be pale and pasty all year round hahaha oh well.

So thats kinda a short lil pick up of my life. Hopefully I will be able to post more often cause seriously I can tell a difference from when I blog and when I don't. I know that may sound weird but its true lol

Wayyyy Over Due

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever! I definitely miss it, for sure! I've been so busy. (I love it!) Even though it's been kinda hectic, its been more than worth it!

I absolutely LOVE my new job andddd we haven't even done any work that we are gunna be doin on a regular basis. We've just been unpacking the store and unloading stuff. It has definitely been a workout! lol I am SO sore. After standing and moving boxes around the store for 8 hours its gets tiring. I love the girls I work with. They are so pretty. Plus they have great personalities. We've already been joking around about the music, dancing around the store, and things we are gunna tell each other over our walkie talkies. lol Its gunna be great!

I am so grateful, thankful, and blessed to have amazing friends. God has blessed me beyond my expectations. The best thing about it is that I never went without. For example. My really good friends Dana and Jared are now getting married and are spending basically every minute with each other. I totally understand that, I know they have a ton of stuff to do before they "Big Day". But on the other hand I dont get to hang out with them nearly as much as I used to so I needed some new friends. Well my Daddy was already looking out for me. He brought Nicole, Nev, and Erika in my life within about a week. They have been incredible. Nev is the sweetest girl ever. Nicole and Erika encourage me with my walk with Christ all the time. We can be goofing off and laughing like crazy and then pray for each other and spend time with God. The relationship I share with them is just what I seek out in friends. The best part about all of this is that I didn't do anything but go spend the night with a girl I barely knew, next thing I know we are basically inseparable. I love it! I thank God for all the time we get to spend together. OH! and get this. Nev and Nicole gave me a card, candy, and a journal for my first day of work. I seriously cried. It was the sweetest thing ever! I love them so much!

I am so excited!!! My parents are comin in TOMORROW!!!! I hope I can contain my excitement at work, but then again it may be good for me to be so excited to get more work done quicker! I have really missed them. It will be so good to see them. I'm also beginning to plan a trip home in May lol. I just need some LA in my life hahaha!

So excited to begin planning my birthday trip to LAS VEGAS!!!! Its gunna be GREAT!! Amy, Megan, Nicole, and ME! Its gunna be a blast!

Basically my life is great if you cant tell. I am continuing to thank God for all the blessing that I don't deserve but yet He still gives them to me because he LOVES HIS DAUGHTER.



ps. I wanna get my nose pierced soon.

Blog Vomit

I haven't blogged in a long time therefor this post maybe VERY unorganized and me just ranting and venting about things. I've been thinking for toooo long, it just needs to be written/typed out so I can stop thinking about them non-stop. So here we go. Hang on. lol

Hmm where to begin...

February has been a Very interesting month by far. I've had so much go happen I can't wait for Tuesday so March can begin. I had a few jobs which was nice and I'm so extremely thankful that I had opportunities to help out and plus make some money. I am waiting to hear from someone about a job at Charming Charlies. I got a call from them today and I have another interview for tomorrow. I am pray that God opens the door for me there. I would love to work there and plus I think it would be a great environment to work in as well. Im really pumped about this job. The best part is that God did it all.

I am now a youth leader as well as a youth worship leader. I can't believe it. lol I know I'm always goin on about how I don't believe it but its true, I just never thought I would really get this chance and now that it's here it's so much more than I ever would have expected it feels like a dream. I just can't wait to see what God does though this amazing opportunity.

My parents are comin to visit and Im really excited. After all the changes I've been through and being sick and what not, it'll be good to see them and spend some time with them although if i get this job I may not be able to spend as much time with them as I want... God's got it all under control though, He knows what He's doin so I'm not stressing about anything. lol I wonder how me learning not to stress about life's little things means for me later on in life? I wonder what God has up under his sleeve for me.

I've decided I don't particularly enjoy online classes. So far its been fine and I can do it but all the stuff you hear in class you now have to read it andddddd I HATE reading soooo yea if I can take classes at school that's what Imma do. This online classes thing isn't that much fun. And not to mention that I keep second guessing myself every time I have to turn in an assignment cause I'm scared imma do it wrong. It's just a lil bit of stress but it's more stress than I want. 

I miss my bestfriend. I know I may say that alot but I really do. I just wanna hang out with her and goof off. She is the most amazing person I know. I am so thankful I have someone I can vent to about anything and she's gunna give me an honest opinion. Also I know she's never gunna leave me even if I screw up my life. She's gunna be there to encourage me through whatever I'm goin through.

I hate pink eye. Its the worst thing in the world! I pray I never get it again after this. It's so annoying. I'm washing everything to make sure I don't spread it or re-infect myself. My hands are so dry from washing them it's not even funny.

I'm pretty pumped about my 21st b-day. I kinda feel like I've been stuck at 19. So much has happened since I've been 20 it's like I never really got to enjoy it. I was thinking about my b-day from last year and it feels like such a long time ago. It's weird to think that in about 4 months I'll be 21. I still feel really young at times. But then again at other times I feel super old lol it's just weird thinking bout it sometimes.

Im gunna have to continue this tomorrow cause I'm super tired and its kinda late. So far so good though atleast thats what I think lol

Holly's Snow Angel

This is what happens when you have been locked up in the house because of the weather. You only live once, so why not?!

It was quite fun. The snow was really fluffy and soft too which was nice. I do however need to work on my snow angel skills, lol.

Snuggle or Cuddle?

Snuggling or Cuddling, whats the difference? I don't know exactly but I had a friend tell me once that snuggling you can do by yourself and the cuddling is with someone. Sounds like a pretty good explanation of them to me. So based on those definitions, I would have to say I love cuddling much more than snuggling. Although don't get me wrong, I always look forward to snuggling deep down in my sheets in my bed at night. It's one of my favorites in life.

When I lived in LA I used to snuggle up with my baby dog, Mr. Bear. I still sleep with a dog, I just don't get to snuggle with her. She likes to sleep on my pillows rather than sleeping next to me. Not to mention she gets her hair EVERYWHERE!! She's lucky shes so darn cute otherwise she would not have a place in my bed.

It's Valentines DAY!!

To be honest, I've never really been a big fan of Valentines day. I had a sad association with it beginning in six grade and ever since I've never really had a big reason to enjoy it. The one time I actually had a boyfriend to enjoy it with, the day turned out to be a disaster. I don't walk around with a grumpy face all day, but I'm not jumping up and down with joy either. My dad sent me an email with a lil background to how Valentine's day became a special day. I thought it was really neat and I have some appreciation for it now too. The upside to Valentine's day is that there's CANDY!!! Especially CHOCOLATE!! :)

Here's the email my dad sent me. Hope you enjoy it and have a great and Blessed Valentines day!

"In the 3rd century, Emperor Claudius II was faced with defending the Roman Empire from invading Goths. He believed single men made better soldiers so he temporarily forbade marriage. Claudius also forced the Senate to deify the former Emperor Gallienus, including him with the Roman gods to be worshipped Legend has it that Saint Valentine was a bishop in Italy who risked the Emperor's wrath by refusing to worship idols and for secretly marrying young couples. Saint Valentine was dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and have his head cut off on FEBRUARY 14, 269AD. While awaiting execution, it is said he prayed for the jailers' sick daughter, who miraculously recovered. He wrote her a note and signed it, "from your Valentine." In 496 AD, Pope Gelasius designated February 14th as "Saint Valentine's Day." Signing an X for a kiss began in Medieval times where those who could not write their name marked a criss-cross or "Christ's cross" in the presence of witnesses and kissed it to show sincerity as a form of the oath "So help me God." In the Greek alphabet, X is called Chi, and it is the first letter of the Greek name of Christ, giving rise to the use of X-mas for Christmas."

Ps Will you be my Valentine?

All things work together for those who love Him

Well I have a great peace about life. I also am feeling great. I am no longer sick, PRAISE JESUS! I just got a keyboard to practice on at my house everyday. Still no job, but that's okay because I know Gods got something in mind for me.

I had a chitchat with one of my friends to make sure we were on the same page as far as friendships and what not and it went great. It wasn't awkward at all. Whew! lol I now know that I have a great friend and I can talk about anything with him if I need to. I see us being great friends even more close than we are now. We have alot of things in common and share some of the same friends so we are gunna be around each other alot. I am really happy I was bold enough to step out and say something. It was a good conversation.

I can't believe that in just a few short weeks I will be a youth leader. I just can't believe that God would actually be able to use me. I mean I knew deep down He would come through because He never fails, but to actually see His plan come to be is still so amazing. When I think about my life and how awesome God has blessed me, I think about how could people who want the most exciting life ever NOT live for Christ. My life has been everything and more than exciting. It's crazy just having faith in God and believing that what He says is gunna come true. The waiting part is more than worth the exciting outcome. I wake up everyday and can't wait to see God's hand in my life. The best part about it is that I don't have to do anything SUPER spiritual either, just live my life the best I can according to His plan and I see His hand at work in my life.