Focus

Well after a long weekend (and still a long day of work ahead of me) I've realized that I need to refocus on God. Last night I talked to a friend of mine and through talking to him about what he was struggling with I got freedom. I was so shocked! I've been struggling with really letting go of everything and just breathe and focus on Him. I haven't been able to do that in a few months now.

It was crazy. I talked to him and then went to worship and I had a clear mind, a clear heart, and joy deep within. The very thing I had been wrestling with I shared with someone and God gave me freedom. I realized that after I shared with him I needed to practice what I preach. I talked to him and encouraged him to keep his focus on God and I was failing to do so myself even though I have tried so many times. As soon as I shut my eyes and began to focus, I could almost feel the chains break.

It was an amazing feeling. The feeling of the peace of God on me again was so enjoyable. Ya know how people say you don't know what you have til its gone, well the peace of God was like that for me. I had lost the peace a while back and I had no idea what I was missing until I felt it again. Sigh of relief to be back in my Fathers loving arms.

This week has been crazy for me. God has brought this guy I CAN NOT stand into my life and I am learning how to love people on a deeper level. At the beginning of the week I began to feel like this week might be interesting, spiritually and after what happened last night I think it was just God preparing me. I needed to prepared my heart to receive from Him. I needed to allow Him to come in with His peace. God also has been reminding me gentle to not give my all to everyone else. I need to keep some things for me and Him. Not that I dont wanna be open with my friends but at the same time, not everyone get the immediate right to know everything about me. Its part of having healthy boundaries. I tend to give more than I should because thats my personality. Giving isn't bad but its when you give so much of yourself that you dont have any for yourself. God has blessed me with this giving personality and in that I also have a responsibility to steward my giving ability well.

So I have this amazing teacher Ron Downing. This week he was talking about how most people who don't have a focused life have midlife crises because they just wake up one day and realize they should reevaluate their life. But if you live a focused life you have a weekly midlife crises. I think its safe to say I've had my weekly life crises. It's good to reevaluate life. That way you can see the change that God is doing and you can also see the growth you are making. So thus begins my new refocused life. God. Keep Him number one, at all times. :)

Just a lil bit annoying

Why are the things that never used to bother me starting to bother me now? 

I feel like I was really sociable for the first few weeks of school and I had fun but now. I want my alone time back. I dont wanna share everything that is going on in my life with all of my roommates and I only want my close friends around me. At times I like being loud and makin a "scene" but deep down I'd rather just be fun with my friends in my room or just us. 

I spent all weekednd with my close friend and I loved hanging out with her. I didnt get aggervated or annoyed with her. Then when I came home, all my roommates wanted to know bout my weekend and I didnt really wanna talk to them bout it. Plus the fact that my roommates are "worried" bout me because im not as "fiery" as I used to be. What does that mean?? How do you know I'm not as fiery as I used to be? First of all the fact I was fiery in the first place was rare. I just get annoyed cause people who don't know me are trying to impose their life styles on me. 

I live my life, you live yours. I personally don't feel like their is one way to life a holy life before God. There are different parts of the body. They look different and they have different roles. Your walk with God may look different from mine but that doesn't mean we both aren't striving after the same thing. 

I dont know, maybe I just need my alone time to relax some and then I can appreciate people and friends again.  

I GOT A JOB!

WhAAATT!? Yes indeed! It is true! Holly Howard is now employed. I work at GNC. Ohhh yeaahhh! lol

I think its funny how I never really every thought it would be hard to get a job until I actually had to look for one. Growing up in a small town where you basically get hired because you know someone who works there really spoiled me. The real world is nothing like that! Especially when I go from the small town life to big city with the highest unemployment rate in America. Talk about harsh. Being rejected time after time was not easy. PLUS! I hateeee that everyone does online application. What the heck man?! come on now! 75% of being hired is based on your appearance. I dont particularly look great on paper but give me a chance in person and I can do pretty good.

Im pretty pumped that I got a job, the only thing is that I do have certain goals I have to meet. Kinddaaa sucks cause I dont think Im the best at selling the stuff but Im sure over time I will get the hang of things. Im kinda excited bout the commission too. Im not quite sure how that works exactly butttt either way im excited bout it. Yay for money again! :)

I like it

ahahahah! Alright so I'm in the prayer room this morning and then a thought hit me. "I like it here. I like reading the bible and I really like singing the word." WHAT?! Where did this come from?! hahaha!

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I didn't like it before but now I kinda actually enjoy it. It just surprised me. I thought I would never get to this point where I actually don't really wanna leave the pray room, or do other stuff. All I kinda wanna do it just be around and in my Father's presence. Oh God, how you are full of surprises.

Like I said before, I think I am starting to miss this. It kinda sucks that as soon as I get settled in something, life changes again. I am starting to enjoy my time at IHOP. Yes, it is kinda annoying sometimes but overall I like it. I enjoy being in the prayer room. Its refreshing to me and my soul.

I just like this feelin and I dont wanna lose it. Yes I know that the pray room isnt the only place I can be with my Father and what not but still it does make a difference. I do seek after my Father's face outside of the prayer room but idk, Im just afraid that things are gunna change after Im done with school. Maybe not, maybe it's all in my head. I am just trying to enjoy the stability of my life right now.

My desires

Yesterday in class we talked about how do we know if we are following God's will for our lives. It was such an awesome discussion! Basically it boils down to if you are pursuing God with your whole heart then make decisions and He will close doors if that isnt His will. Don't stress about makin the right decision. God will put desires in your heart while you draw closer to him. So you're dreams are really His dreams for you. Why not go after them? He put them there and has already made a way for you to walk in the dreams for you. Another really cool thing is that your desires will change as you grow in more of who He is.

So even though I know that He will give you His desires as you draw closer to His heart, I still get stuck on a few things. I dont know if I've talked about this or not but I'm stuck on my desires when it comes to guys. I dont know why I am so stuck on this but it seriously has bothered me for a lonnngggg time. I dont even know when it started but I know that for atleast a consistent 6 months this has been constantly in the back of my mind.

I am surrounded by tons of different types of guys. Guys who LOVE God and do nothing but fast and pray and always seek God before they speak on just about everything. It's safe to say they take their relationship with Christ SUPER serious. Like no outside influences what so ever. Anddd then on the other hand we have guys who are more relaxed. Yes they love God and they pray and what not but they also have fun. They arent so strict on certain things. It's such a dilemma for me.

Of course every woman of God should want the guy who's on fire and lives 100% pure life... right? UGH! But i cant say thats what I want. I dont know if I still have prioroties to get straight or what, but why is it that when my roommates talk about their "boys" they always brag about how awesome he is about praying and speaking into others lives. ughhh.. What is wrong with me? Why is it that I just want a guy that I know loves God with all his heart and like to have fun?

It makes it hard to talk about guys with them because they are telling me I deserve better and all this stuff and yes I get that but at the same time I dont have that desire to have the guy that is "super saved" so to speak. I always feel like I'm less of a christian because I dont desire that kind of guy. I dont know why. Maybe deep down it scares me to have someone like that because I feel like they would turn out to be like my dad and that brings up all kinds of other stuff. I dont know.

Maybe this is God just tellin me to chill out and not look at guys, ugh I dont know. Im just trying to process this thought but every time I do, I never feel like I make progress. I just dont wanna think about it but at the same time I cant help but think about it. Its very annoying. I kinda wish I could just married and be done with all this "boy drama" I really hate it.