Nothing particularly passionate

I don’t really have a big rant or anything to go on but life as a whole hasn’t been that bad. Just a really tiring week. I feel like I haven’t slept at all this week but really I have gone to bed at the same time and gotten up at the same time so I would figure my body would be used to the time schedule buttttt apparently not considering I am still super tired. Lol

I am super pumped though! My sister is comin in today and will be here for the weekend. She’s amazing and I miss her lots! Lol I never know exactly what we are going to do when we are together but whatever we do I know that we are going to have a blast and make memories, some good and some bad, but either way memories. Lol

Well I found out how much my tattoo would be and now I can kinda let the idea die for a lil while. I don’t have the money andddd don’t see me having that kind of money to blow on a tat anytime soon, lol. Sad but good I guess, gives me more time to tweak it.

I miss doing worship. I miss the Reno Vineyard worship team. I miss the youth kids. I miss my niece and nephew.

I had baby fever the past week and then I babysat two lil girls under the age of 3 and it cured it! Yay! :D hahahah don’t get me wrong I love kids but I just forget how much time and effort goes into caring for kids. I am not ready to give up my life to raising kids yet. Plus I am not having kids until Im married and that for sure isn’t happening anytime soon hahahah! 

I do look forward to having my own house and own house rules. Its really hard for me not to get all bent outta shape when my roommates don't do things the way I have always known.  The kitchen is a war zone in our house! lol Its okay though, I just get to practice my love for others and selflessness. (Smile.) Everyday I have to just suck it up and rewash the pots because girls don't know how to clean pots... orrr how I have to clean the bathroom sink because the girl doesn't know how to spit in the sink instead of all over the counter and faucets... Love. Love. Love. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? We'll see...

Wow...

I don’t really know what to say. I just heard so many amazing things this morning within a short conversation with a friend. It just made my whole week and my heart so happy.

This guy I’ve been through heven and hell with told me that if it wasn’t for me, he’d probably be in jail. He said that even when he lost his way and couldn’t hear from God he would listen to me. I am almost in tears just from those few words. All the times I wanted to give up and kick him to the curb like everyone else in his life I knew I couldn’t give up. I knew I had to give him time and not for me but for his sake.

I am so thankful that God allowed me to hear those words this morning. Its such an answer to prayer. It also really helps me deal with the whole wanting revenge thing. I cant see how in any way shape or form how revenge is up lifting. Ah I am blessed right now. I just love it! I wanna give him the biggest hug in the whole wide world. Best part is that right at the end he told me that he loved me, lol not like LOVE love you but like deep friendship love. But I always used to make him say it and then I just stopped and now he voluntarily said it. :D it just makes me so happy. 

I kinda dont really know what to do or say right now lol I am so shocked. I just couldn't help but thank God for answered prayers. He even told me that he has been reading the bible at work and its helped him in so many areas of his life already. I am just so beyond happy right now. And God is the one who has done everything. Its just so awesome that I get to be apart of someones life transform by the power of God. 

Wow.

Im doin this

I assume that every musician out there in the world wants to write his or her own song for the world. Well I never really wanted to write my own songs. I think thats partially due to the fact I never viewed myself as a creative or artistic.

Well this week I've been thinking bout all my friends who play and sing their songs. They aren't hard songs, I mean really what is a song? A few words that describe how you feel. I basically do blogging for that reason. Putting how I feel down in words, so how hard can a song be?

I have been writing down some ideas of the direction I wanna go in with songs butttttt still very preliminary. lol I believe God will help me with the music and what not to make them super awesome and if I never get famous from it or anything I will at least believe a lil more in myself because I created art. 

So hopefully sometime soon I will have a few songs, lol I don't know if I'll play them on the piano orrrrr guitar, hahaha I would love to play them on the guitar but I dont even know how to play the guitar hahahah! But that will not stop me. I will play a song on the guitar one way or another.

Bad day blog

Just be for warned. I am about to unload a ton of stuff and I cant promise its gunna be pretty. So continue at your own risk.


So the bad day was actually yesterday. It really kinda started two days ago but yesterday as a whole was just bad. So I've been thinking about writing a song or two just about my life (more just write it out in kinda poem-ish form) Well yesterday during prayer room time I began to have to tell myself how pretty God has made me and believe all the truths that just last week had me ecstatic. I hated that I was once again dealing with all the lies from the devil saying I wasn't worth it for any guy and that I would never get a great guy so I had to settle. We didn't have that long in the prayer room yesterday and of course of all days I needed to be there the longest and it was the shortest time we've ever had.

During class Allen Hood was talking about the intimacy of Jesus. I loved it and was really enjoying it and then all the sudden all I could think about was writing down some song lyrics. So I began to write and the whole time I was remembering all the hurt and pain from all the guys in the past and how all I really wanted was justice. I wanted them to say they were sorry. I wanted them to realize they hurt me. Then I was reminded of the verse Luke 18:3 "Grant me victory over my adversary" So I was like okay God. I need victory over this area of my life. Not that they actually have to say their sorry but I need you to give me the victory in my heart. I need this issue gone and I need your help to do that.

Sooooooo like the lovely IDIOT that I am texted one of past guys. I was talking to him and I was trying so hard not to act like I had a chip on my shoulder but I couldn't help it. But gotta love stupid boys, he didnt even realize it. Anyways, so I asked him about a girl I knew he was "talking" too and he came up with this bullshit sarcastic fucking story. Obviously, I grew furious, then pissed at myself then I started to cry. I knew I shouldn't have butttttt I couldn't help it. I just hadddd to talk to him.

My amazing roommates, who I spilled everything too, began to encourage me and just lift me up. They helped me get back up and realize how much of a jerk he was and how I get to look forward to the most amazing guy in the whole wide world because God is going to give His daughter the best.

After sleeping on it, I think texting him wasn't the worst thing, I've ever done. (Me trying to see the silver lining in everything) God showed me that I need His help and I need to listen to His voice very carefully. If I don't I'm gunna get hurt. God will bring restoration. I believe that I will have freedom in this area of my life and I am not gunna be ruled by this anymore. I will have VICTORY.


Ps. The blog wasn't as bad as I thought it would be hahaha

It still amazes me

I think a really beneficial thing to learn in life is that God is constantly blessing us. The thing to realize is that we see His hand in it all. I can go about my day and have things happen one after another to the point where I can go to the zoo, gas station, and out to eat and never pay a dime out of my own pocket but never realize that God was providing the whole time. I could just say wow, that was random and go about my life and never stop to thank God. I want to change that. I don't want to just go about my life and never stop and take the time to thank Jesus for His hand in my life. God is constantly blessing us in our lives and I think we should take more time to thank Him.

It doesn't have to be money. He could simply bless us by the weather having a gentle breeze, or a really good parking spot at a super busy time at Wal-mart. I think we should take a step back and really begin to thank God for everything He has done for us. The little things matter as well. I just never want to be unappreciative. I don't want to let things pass me and not realize God's hand in it. Obviously, God's hand is in everything that happens in our lives but still taking the time to actually acknowledge it I think makes a difference in our hearts, the people who witness it with us and God appreciates it as well.

Not only does it make a difference our lives, it also changes our perspective on things in life. If you are always looking at how God is blessing you then you tend to always look at the bright side of things. I'm not saying that you are always happy about the outcome at the moment but if nothing else you will see His hand in things after the fact, but we should always look at how He will bless us even when it doesn't look like a blessing. For example, say you missed your alarm, you're running late for work, you have to get gas and you run into this person at the gas station and they decide to pay for your gas. If you had gotten up on time you would have missed out on that blessing. So even though you are completely flustered and just so mad at yourself, you are blessed by God. It was His plan all along for you to be late that day. It was His timing. We need to stop trying to force things when really we need to let a lil slack out of the reins and let God began to lead us.

There's a reason

Since I've been at IHOP I haven't really made a huge effort to make friends or seek hanging out with people after class. I tend to just stick to myself and that's it. At times I feel like IHOP is like college in the sense that I don't hang out with people outside of class. But it definitely doesn't feel like college by the way classes and stuff are run. So from time to time it trips me out.

Anyway, so this week just out of the blue I have been asked to hangout with friends or invited with my roommates to hang out with their friends. Well I have forgotten how young the majority of people are here. Sometimes you can't tell but then other times you CAN tell. So yeah, I don't really know how I feel about hanging out with kids who have never left their parents home or are just really young and immature. I don't know. Maybe I just really don't want friends here because that means another set of friends. I just don't feel the connection with people here all the time and then I'm not really the one to make plans with people I don't know. I guess you would call me shy in that area.

Maybe just from being in Reno and hanging out with people who at least 25 spoiled me and I don't particularly enjoy the silliness from people who are just out of high school. I always feel like I have to babysit them because they make such dumb decisions without realizing the implications. Im not trying to say that I am better than people younger than me, it's just that I don't want to spend my free time with silly young conversations. The girls that sit around me are older and I enjoy talking with them but still like I said, I don't start up "hang out" times outside of class.

I mean really just being honest. I really like being alone. Going home not having anything to do. I like having the time to play piano, read, stitch or whatever. I will always have something to do when I get back to school and work and stuff. I want to enjoy the time I have to myself. I don't think I will be here long term so I should be taking advantage of the time I have now.

So yeahhhh I don't think I will being saying yes to every thing my roommates want to do. Not that I want to be antisocial, I just want my alone time. I have been blessed with this time and I don't want to look back and say I wish I would have just taken the time to focus on myself to cultivate what God is doing in me now.

God is so awesome!

This weekend has been one of the best weekend of my life for so many reasons. God has shown himself faithful. From the beginning of last week I could just feel his hand of protection on my life. Not to mention the gifts and blessings I have received. The best part is that I didn't even recognize the blessings until later after the fact. I am just amazed, how cool is God? lol. He is so amazing!

This weekend I have been able to spend time with my family and it's been such a great growing time. My sister and I got to talk about things over a beer haha so awesome and my parents and I got to have long talks in the car trips. It was just awesome to talk about what God is actually doin and really take a look at the past few months and months to come as well.

Ya know it's funny but I really loved being back in LA. I don't know what made the difference this time but it was comfortable this time. (Sadly I don't know exactly how I felt about being back in the church) But ya know I think God has shown me that living back at home with my parents may not be the worst thing that could happen. As my super smart sister pointed out about how much I love Reno and how I want to go back, she said that really Reno was just an opportunity to prove that I can go somewhere and make a place for myself. I had to make my own way and that's what Reno is.

I love Reno so much! I really do want to go back. But realistically I don't think I can go back right away. I need to make some money and get an education. That's not cheap nor easy in Reno. I could live at home for a few years knock out school and work to save some money then I could go back with some money to relax.

Hell I don't know where I'll be in a year but I think more than anything I should be open to where God leads me. I think that if I am to move back to LA even though as much as I would love to move back to Reno more than anything I need to be thankful and happy and blessed to be where God places me. I've learned that I am young and I have my whole life to live. I have so much time to live where ever! I love it!

Wow.

First of all I would like to point out the fact that Jesus is coming back soon. I know this because I never read and even when I need to read for school I barely read enough to get by and its just really hard for me to read. I hate it and it's always been difficult for me. Well, in the past 2 months I have read 2 books for school and finished a book I started last year in one day, which was about 100 pages, andddd I just started my second book for fun. Not to mention I have another book for school I need to start soon as well. Sooooo I've been reading alot so therefor I know Jesus is coming back because I never read. lol AND I am enjoying reading! WHAT?! Yeahhhh it's weird and crazy....lol

So I've been reading Captivating, the book I've been meaning to read for about a year now but never started. I wanna punch myself in the face for not reading the book sooner. It's so intriguing. I love reading every part of it. I get so excited because every time I read something about how woman think or view themselves about things, I am saying "YEAH! Thats me!" Sadly they are not particularly high points when I point those out but the fact is that I am learning why I think that way and how to change the view I have of myself to the view God has of me. It's probably THE best book I've ever read, lol besides the bible obviously. I am like damn. Why didn't I read this when I was in high school? It would have helped butttt then I think back on how I viewed things in life in high school and the words on the page probably wouldn't have done a thing. It breaks my heart to hear about all the different stories in the book. I am becoming more and more thankful of the life I had. Not that I had the best but I wasn't sexually or physically abused that left me scarred from the touch of a man.

My heart's desire is that I would be able to relay the message to high school girls. I know that they may not do anything different but if they hear it and make it real in their life when they get older or into something they will know the Fathers love for them. I just pray that one day I would have the influence on a girl in high school that way she has one, someone to talk to and two that she can be encouraged. I had that for my first year of high school and i was strong and made it through but the rest of them I never could connect with anyone and had no support. I think I would have made some different choices if I had someone walking with me through the different times in high school.

And here I am again thankful I am in a place that I can pray every day for people in a different state 800 miles away. I can pray for them before they wake up, I can pray that God is with them through out their day and I know in my heart that God hears my prayers and is answering them for me. I am preparing a way for them that the road will be easier. I am glad that in this time in my life I get to pray for them and they don't even know it. I know I am not there and I miss them all so much but I am still working for them on their behalf. I am fighting for them in prayer.

I guess I can finally say that I don't hate it as much as I thought. It's funny cause one of my leaders today said that if you don't give up, you win. You just have to keep goin, doesn't mean you have to be running everyday, you just have to keep walking and don't stop. I am not stopping. Its not fun nor easy but I am still walking and will continue walking.

I get a lil bit stronger

So I know lately I have been ranting about how I am unhappy bout being here and I cant wait to go back to Reno. Well I know in my heart that I am here for something in specific. Today I think I might have figured out why, as simple and obvious it may seem to me I didn't even think about how simple it is hahaha buttttt I think it would be so I would learn to pray more. Yeah I know yall are all probably laughing and saying ahhh duh Holly, you are at a school where they pray 24/7... hahahha shut uppp... But yeah no I was pacing and it hit me. Holly, everything is birthed out of prayer. If I want a break though, a new song, God to intervine in a big way, I need to pray now. I have no idea how long it will take but God will work and answer my prayers. All I need to worry about it praying for things now. Whatever is in my heart I need to pray for it now. God hears my prayers and will not let one go unanswered. Ah okayy seeee now that I have that mindset it makes everything so much easier. Also now I also realize that a prayer doesn't have to 5 hours long, it could be a 3 second shout out to God and He hears them. He works in the little two second prayers just as much as He works through the 10 minute prayers on the mic.

 Seriously how cool is God? I mean I know but really? Think about it. First of all He created everythinggg! He sent His ONLY son to die on a cross for our sins, even for us who weren't even born, thousands of years in advance. Then He sent His spirit to reveal God's secrets so we can make it through life on earth.

I feel like I am bipolar sometimes on my blog. hahaha I will go from one extreme to the other. Blah whatever! God is cool. Life is awesome because I will choose to see the upside of things. Life is too short to whine, complain, and mope around bout how things aren't how I want it, when I am living a life for God. Sooooo anyways. yeah. lol    :)

On the Upside

Yesterday during the morning set on of the guys when on a profetic song and it was totally for me, or atleast it felt like it to me. The words were just what I needed to hear. I have been having a really hard time here. I feel so tired, emotional, spiritual, and mental. I am done for the day at noon but by then my brain has been fried from so much intensity from class and the prayer room for 3 hours. I know that in the end, I will look back on this season and be very thankful I went but right now I want to give up. I want to move back to my home, Reno. I know things wont be the same but I miss it. I can't stop thinking that God gave me a chance to be there and I blew it off. But then again me being here at IHOP could be part of my plan in Reno. Maybe God sent me here to began my preparation of being an intercessor for Reno and develop more of Him to share with others and be a stronger christian. For what ever reason I am here, I am trying hard to keep my eyes focused on my time here. I have had too many experiences where I just do what I can to get through it and I miss opportunities. I may not be the happiest here but I do know that I can learn things through this. I want to get what I can for the short period of time I am going to be here. It's hard sometimes not getting bitter about missing things going on in my friends lives back in Reno and in Louisiana. My brother is playing LSU football and the youth group is really bonding together and I'm not apart of them. God's hand is in everything and I am not giving up on what God has called me to.

The words that keep repeating over and over again in my head is "Don't doubt in the dark what you heard in the light" I feel like I am in a time of darkness but I am not letting go of what God has said about my life. Also I know that what I pray for God will answer. I am contending for certain things in my life and I know they will come to pass if I don't stop praying and believing for more of Him.

Here's basically what the song that the guy sang yesterday.

Do you remember when you believed that the sound of your voice mattered to me?

Do you remembered when you believed that you moved my heart?

I remember. I set you as a watchmen. I remember that I called you out of confusion and I set you on the wall and I gave you a vision to minister to a holy God.

Do you remember? Do you remember? When you believed in the sound of your voice mattered to me.

Do you remember when you felt the urgency of the hour?

When I called you to hasten the hour, come Lord Jesus

You thought the season had changed, that the grace had lifted but the truth is that when confronted with your barrenness you ran away. 

Get back on the wall. 

That same vision, I am setting it before you, get back on the wall. 

I am about to shake everything that can be shaken.

I wanna share my secrets of the nations. I wanna teach you how to partner with me. 

There’s grace.

Your voice makes a difference. I move at the sound of your voice. 

On another note, I am SO pumped about going to an LSU game. Seriously I get so excited everytime I think about the awesome time I am going to have hahaha I get like this ridiculous smile all over my face ahhaha I am lame. ha. whatever! anddddd I miss my sister. I am sad this weekend is going to be so short buttttt she is coming out in a couple of weeks soooooo that makes it bearable hahaha

More of a vent than anything

So....I realllyyyy don't like living with 18 year olds. They are young and immature. Like seriously, I do know some things considering I have already lived a year without my parents not to mention I was 2000 miles away. I know you had family problems, who doesn't? Okay yours may seem like the worst but news flash hon, there are other people in the world. The world is not going to stop just cause you don't know how to get along with people. (I have a feeling this is going to be a very rude awakening for her) UGH! And I swear if you talk back to me one more time, I will back hand you. AND DEAR JESUS, Don't sling water all over the kitchen when you strain your food. Gah! Oh and please don't clean up after you use 5 pots. yeah no big deal. It's really hard for me to be nice when anytime I tell you something because you aren't doing it right after you asked me to tell you what to do you just do it yourself and then get upset with me cause it didnt turn out right. No Shit Sherlock. If ya woulda listened to me the FIRST time it would have worked. Geeze.

Sorry bout that but it's really annoying and I can't really talk to anyone bout it since I'm around her all the time... yeahhh I also come up with reasons for me to drive cause every time I get in the car with her I feel like I am about to die. So my gas bill will be going up sadly.

Anyways. I really miss being in Reno. I miss my church family there, I miss my brother and his family. I just miss everything about Reno. I seriously have to be careful to not think about it too much otherwise I get really sad almost depressed like. haha Not really depressed but my heart really hurts. Everything about the fall reminds me of Reno and starting over in life. I really want to go back. Ugh. The worst part is that I want to move back there but I know my parents aren't going to happy about that because they hate being that far away. I love my parents so much but I love my life in Reno. I hate that all I can do is pray because I am the type of person to see things actually happen. Praying I know things are happening but I just don't know what exactly. I know God has everything under control but I just wish I could see things better.

It's kinda been a long weekend and I am really super excited about going to LA this weekend. I am so pumped about going to an LSU game and spending time with my brother and sister. It's going to be a rushed weekend but it'll be a good refresher I pray.

I am very proud of myself though. I finally finished the book I started last year and I finished the book for school this past weekend. I am starting my new book today andddd I am planning to finish my cross stitch project by Christmas, which I started bout 2 years ago, lol.

I think I wanna get a new tattoo. What, where and when, idk cause I don't really have the money but yeahhhh I want a new one soonish ahahha