At it once again

I was really excited about coming home. I was looking forward to spending time with my family. I felt like we had really overcome some obstacles from the past year and I was excited to come home to a peaceful home as an adult. Ya know what they say about when you assume, you only make an ass out of yourself and them... I am really good at making an ass out of myself.

I am so confused. Since last year when I moved out to Reno I thought my parents and I were on the upside of things. I thought we had finally moved on from the fact that I wasn't 12 and I could think for myself and I wouldn't die without my parents with me each step of life. Well as my dad so lovely laid out today, in his eyes I haven't made much progress. (BTW, what the hell am I exactly progressing to?! I am 21, so I didn't know if that meant something or not but apparently it doesn't so if it doesn't mean anything what the hell am I striving for...? yeahhh, fuck it.) I thought that when my parents said I didn't have to get a job, I didn't have to get a job, ops. Well I was supposed to read in between the lines where they were more like "we strongly advise you to get a job, but you need to figure that out on your own" I am really done playing games trying to figure out what exactly my parents want and don't want. They say one thing and mean another. I can't express myself but yet at the same time I can but only in certain ways. What's the point of expressing myself if the way I express myself is not allowed?

I really should have known better. I should have known it would have been a trick. Now, I have to live with the consequences. Not that this is anything new to me but I just thought my this time I'd be done with it. I think I have finally come to the realization that it isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I am slightly hopefully that this will end when I get married but Lord knows when that would ever happen. As much as my parents guilt trip me about staying close to them, if things keep up the way they are now, there is no way in hell I'd be around them.

I just love how my dad is so good with words that anything you say you are going to sound dumb, immature, and feel like whatever you say is not enough or worth a damn. I can't his augments. I know that no matter what I say, it wont make a difference. The biggest thing I have going for me now is not breaking down in tears and keeping eye contact when he stares at me. I do have self confidence and I don't make decisions just for the hell of it. I do think things out and so when he looks at me like I have no brain, I can stare back because I have what it takes. I know I will make it in life and I will not let him or anyone else take away my worth with his opinions on how my life should be run.

There is a sliver lining to this all...right? I always can see the silver lining, I know that its around here somewhere... I will find it, I have to find it.