I like it

ahahahah! Alright so I'm in the prayer room this morning and then a thought hit me. "I like it here. I like reading the bible and I really like singing the word." WHAT?! Where did this come from?! hahaha!

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I didn't like it before but now I kinda actually enjoy it. It just surprised me. I thought I would never get to this point where I actually don't really wanna leave the pray room, or do other stuff. All I kinda wanna do it just be around and in my Father's presence. Oh God, how you are full of surprises.

Like I said before, I think I am starting to miss this. It kinda sucks that as soon as I get settled in something, life changes again. I am starting to enjoy my time at IHOP. Yes, it is kinda annoying sometimes but overall I like it. I enjoy being in the prayer room. Its refreshing to me and my soul.

I just like this feelin and I dont wanna lose it. Yes I know that the pray room isnt the only place I can be with my Father and what not but still it does make a difference. I do seek after my Father's face outside of the prayer room but idk, Im just afraid that things are gunna change after Im done with school. Maybe not, maybe it's all in my head. I am just trying to enjoy the stability of my life right now.

My desires

Yesterday in class we talked about how do we know if we are following God's will for our lives. It was such an awesome discussion! Basically it boils down to if you are pursuing God with your whole heart then make decisions and He will close doors if that isnt His will. Don't stress about makin the right decision. God will put desires in your heart while you draw closer to him. So you're dreams are really His dreams for you. Why not go after them? He put them there and has already made a way for you to walk in the dreams for you. Another really cool thing is that your desires will change as you grow in more of who He is.

So even though I know that He will give you His desires as you draw closer to His heart, I still get stuck on a few things. I dont know if I've talked about this or not but I'm stuck on my desires when it comes to guys. I dont know why I am so stuck on this but it seriously has bothered me for a lonnngggg time. I dont even know when it started but I know that for atleast a consistent 6 months this has been constantly in the back of my mind.

I am surrounded by tons of different types of guys. Guys who LOVE God and do nothing but fast and pray and always seek God before they speak on just about everything. It's safe to say they take their relationship with Christ SUPER serious. Like no outside influences what so ever. Anddd then on the other hand we have guys who are more relaxed. Yes they love God and they pray and what not but they also have fun. They arent so strict on certain things. It's such a dilemma for me.

Of course every woman of God should want the guy who's on fire and lives 100% pure life... right? UGH! But i cant say thats what I want. I dont know if I still have prioroties to get straight or what, but why is it that when my roommates talk about their "boys" they always brag about how awesome he is about praying and speaking into others lives. ughhh.. What is wrong with me? Why is it that I just want a guy that I know loves God with all his heart and like to have fun?

It makes it hard to talk about guys with them because they are telling me I deserve better and all this stuff and yes I get that but at the same time I dont have that desire to have the guy that is "super saved" so to speak. I always feel like I'm less of a christian because I dont desire that kind of guy. I dont know why. Maybe deep down it scares me to have someone like that because I feel like they would turn out to be like my dad and that brings up all kinds of other stuff. I dont know.

Maybe this is God just tellin me to chill out and not look at guys, ugh I dont know. Im just trying to process this thought but every time I do, I never feel like I make progress. I just dont wanna think about it but at the same time I cant help but think about it. Its very annoying. I kinda wish I could just married and be done with all this "boy drama" I really hate it.

Long term

It kinda hit me a lil bit today when I told a friend of mine that this was probably going to be my last semester at IHOP. I was talking to him in a complaining way about how I probably wont get to sing that much because of the large amount of singers on my team.

Later I was like, dang. I am going to miss this place. Yes its hard but at the same time, I enjoy being around other believers. For once in my life I can say I enjoy going to school and not having to worry about a ton of drama. I mean thats not to say IHOP doesn't have drama cause it does but I am not involved.

I know that just because Im not in IHOP doesn't mean that I wont be able to be with my friends and stuff, it's just going to be different. I don't wanna get caught up in the fact that its my last semester. I just want to get as much as I can out of what I have now. Who knows? Maybe I will stay longer or do classes or something. If I've learned anything about life, it's that God has a plan for my life and it doesn't really matter what I "plan" for my life. If it isn't His plan it wont work out.

I dont know. I just want to make sure that I take full advantage of what I have this semester. I don't want to miss out on anything. This is a special time in my life and I am blessed that I could even be apart of something like this. IHOP has definitely change things about me. Interestingly enough just being in the prayer room has done things. It's almost like this place is addicting. It's weird lol but yet I love it.

Faithfullness

This past week was the first week of school. I got to meet my worship team. I was really excited because I havent sung in so long and I was excited to be singing three times a week. Well wouldn't ya know my worship team has like ten singers. So to give everyone a chance we are going to be on a rotation. I was fine with it at first but it still kinda stung. The fact that this is probably my last semester here I want to get the most out of time with my team and now I wont get to sing as much as I was hopin for.

Wednesday was the first day we did stuff on our worship team and I sat out. It was really hard for me, not gunna lie. I was fighting the feelings of rejection, not being good enough, and so many others. It wasnt easy but I knew that God had a reason and I was still waiting on His timing, lol.

We had a roommate get together that night and to be honest, I really wanted to skip out and go with my friend to Hope City (innercity prayer room). All day I was really wishing things would go by quickly and I would be able to leave early or something so I could do both. Obviously God had better plans. We had a small worship time and then we shared on how we were struggling with different stuff and I shared how I felt about my worship team and stuff. One of my roommates got the idea that we sing about God's faithfulness in our lives. Sing about the remembrance of what He has done. It was awesome! It was just what I needed for sure. I needed to look back and remember what He has done for me.

Ever since then it's like every day there is something that is said, sung, or something I read that reminds me about remembering what He has done. It has surprising changed my attitude about things this week. It has been awesome.

I just thought it was really awesome how God has been reminding me of His faithfulness. Sometimes looking back to see where you've been isn't bad. It helps you put things into perspective.

Oh ps. I got to sing on Friday and I was one of the first three singers, meaning I was singing alot, and some solo stuff. Super fun :)

Clothes

So I am still thinking and dwelling on this thought but i thought it was interesting. So I've had the verse about how a woman is worth far more than rubies. (I think mostly because of the fact that my birthstone is a ruby) So the verse is in Proverbs, it is actually at the beginning of the passage about how a noble woman.

As I read the passage about a noble woman and the different characteristics about her. I thought back to the passage about the armor of God. I thought about how it too talked about how to be clothed in things. I just thought  it was interesting about how the word talked about being clothed. I think it's interesting that that was the way it choose to describe how to process those characteristics.

Im not really sure exactly how that all plays together but I just thought it was interesting and I think this might be my focus for a lil while... Makes me think bout my clothes, lol.

Back at it

Well school starts on Monday. AHH! I can't believe its time to start back at school. I am really looking forward to it. I am really excited about singing again and being apart of a team. I've really missed that. It's gunna be so different but it's gunna be good.

So my roommates got back this weekend and it's been awesome. I liked living alone but I love living with my roommates. They are awesome. It's so funny cause as soon as I saw one of my roommates we ended up talking for hours. We were like oh yeah we are gunna wait and catch up later with the other roommates so we dont have to repeat anything buttttt we just couldnt help it we just spilled out what God was speaking to us and doin in us. It was one of the best conversations I'd had in a while. I am truly blessed by having her as a roommate.

I have been hanging out with my friends again and I have to say God has really blessed me with some awesome ones. I've gotten to know my girl friend so much more since I've gotten back and talk through things. She really is an awesome person and like me with all my closest friendships, I'd do anything for her. My super awesome guy friend and I have hung out more than I would have expected but it's been so fun. He's really funny and I always have a great time with him. I'd say I am very lucky to be considered friends with them.

I really need to blog more. I miss it. I KNOW I say it all the time after I haven't blogged lol BUT once school starts I will get into a routine of blogging again.

Okay so my friend is on this huge kick on the personality test and it kinda cracks me up. I think its awesome cause it really does kinda describe a person but at the same time once I read it thats all I end up thinking about. Its very interesting.

New Year, New Challenges

Wow. Okay so I cant believe that it's been a whole month since I've blogged last. (No wonder I've had so many thoughts rollin around in my head)

So welcome to 2012. I've made it through another year, and have changed so much. Looking back at 2011, its hard to believe everything I've done and accomplished. I am very proud of myself. For once in my life I can say I am proud of who I am. That only took 21 years, lol.

The other day my dad read something to my mom and I. At first I was like "yay...another pointless article..." But then now a few days later some of the stuff he's said has still got me thinking about the new year. Most of the time I just think about the new year and dread everything that comes with it and then by the end of the year I wish I had done more or actually made a difference in the year. Looking back on 2011, I can say that I did make some changes and I can really say that I am changing into the person I've always wanted to be but was too afraid to be.

I hate new years resolutions. Probably because I always fail at them. I like to think of them as a new challenge to my life. I think in the last year I overcame alot with not allowing how people are going to react to certain things determining whether or not to do something. For instance not being held responsible for other peoples actions. Ever since I've learned how to apply that to my life I've had so much freedom. It's still hard sometimes when I know that it's gunna be about conflict but that in its self gives me even more of an incentive to confront the conflict.

If I've learned anything in the last year its that conflict is painful but brings about so much more of a relationship when you actually deal with it. I've grown up with a family that never really talks about their conflicts and just runs away instead of actually working them out. Over the holidays I got to talk with my parents about some things that had come up over Thanksgiving. I had been praying about this conversation for weeks. I knew if I didnt go into the conversation prepared it would be a disaster. Praise Jesus, after 3 hours, I had expressed my feelings and how things were. I laid everything out and I brought up and said somethings that they would never say. I took control and stayed on top. At the end of the conversation, all of us felt better and we had a great rest of the holidays. I am proud of myself but not in a boastful way but in a way that is glorifying to God. Without Him that conversation would not had gone down the way it did.

My new addition to confronting conflict is, "is the relationship worth it?" and "Am I avoiding the conflict because I'm lazy and just dont wanna deal with it?" I want to break the habit of just sweeping things under the rug and not dealing with issues and then I ruin good relationships because I was "too scared" of the outcome. When I think about it, I am doing myself a disservice along with the person I have the conflict with because I am not allowing growth in either of our lives. I don't want there to be relationships lost over a small conflict that if I would have spoken up about wold have been resolved and I could have had the best relationship ever.

On a different note about life. I've decided I am going to cosmetology school. I dont think the reality of life has hit me yet. It's weird to think that in about a year and half I could be supporting myself... That's crazy...